tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31349511885625935712024-03-06T10:17:24.718+08:00yaw-yaw ni tebanNiel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-68284742779957393632012-08-25T14:58:00.003+08:002012-08-25T15:16:58.357+08:00Carlo <i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg67in_RInauT9pZo-3HCkCZzfkRMnGYQlNApIGDtRbSYVpcdR8iz2lToQcedgb4mtwiV0Z-pr-qQFwYNprxy79ejIjsyeffB9XDuerXokYVWYGFTL9M7bttfM7ymJLQDDcwSGxHaBgnN-b/s1600/gay_couple_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg67in_RInauT9pZo-3HCkCZzfkRMnGYQlNApIGDtRbSYVpcdR8iz2lToQcedgb4mtwiV0Z-pr-qQFwYNprxy79ejIjsyeffB9XDuerXokYVWYGFTL9M7bttfM7ymJLQDDcwSGxHaBgnN-b/s320/gay_couple_1.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">(Grabbed from <a href="http://www.artmajeur.com/rafiperez/">Raphael Perez</a>)</span></span></i></div>
<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“Eto
yung facebook niya, type mo ba?”</span></span></i><br />
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This was the first time I saw him, as my
friend showed me the Facebook account of Carlo through his Android phone.</span></span></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“Wow
naman, pretty boy yan. Pretty boys like him will never date a geeky chubby guy
like me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Carlo is exactly a pretty boy – a young
man, petite, more beautiful than handsome. In his profile picture, he wore a
black polo shirt and a smile that radiates beyond the captured photo.</span></span></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><span lang="EN-PH">“Add
mo daw siya.”</span></i><span lang="EN-PH"> My friend told me as they were
exchanging SMS.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <i>“Ayoko, hiya ako eh. Ano pangalan niya,
search ko nga.” </i> As I discreetly
opened his FB page through my iPod, I saw more profile pictures of him.</span></span></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><span lang="EN-PH">Shit.
Ang guapo. Pero pretty boy talaga. </span></i><span lang="EN-PH">I said to myself,
as my heart pounded a little faster. Pretty boys are my type. But I was never
lucky with pretty boys. </span></span></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><span lang="EN-PH">“In-add
ka na raw niya,” </span></i><span lang="EN-PH">my friend reported.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I excitedly opened the friend request tab. <i>“Sure ka? Wala eh,” </i> I asked, a bit disappointed when I didn’t see
his name.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="IT"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><span lang="IT">“Oo, sabi niya. Patingin nga ng iPod mo.”</span></i><span lang="IT"> </span><span lang="EN-PH">My friend grabbed
my iPod and quickly added him in my contact list. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“O
ayan, I added him na!” <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><span lang="EN-PH">“Waaah,
shit, sure ka? Kakahiya,” </span></i><span lang="EN-PH">I reacted.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">***************</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This was how it all began.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A year has passed, it is only now that I decided to write this story. I am writing this story because I do not want to forget. I am writing this story because stories like these - stories of people like me and our love - need to be written, read, and reread. I am writing this story because... </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>etong si pretty
boy, geeky chubs like me pala ang type!</i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-PH"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This time, I was a lucky guy afterall</span>.</span><br />
<span lang="EN-PH"><br /></span></div>
Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-84312688881191976232011-11-21T03:15:00.001+08:002012-01-11T23:57:40.959+08:00The Devotion Project<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;">A
friend of mine shared a YouTube link a few days back with the title, <a href="http://devotionproject.tumblr.com/">The Devotion Project</a>. And it is the most poignant short film I ever saw.</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;"><i>Devotion
(noun): 1. profound dedication; 2. earnest attachment to a cause, person etc.
(dictionary.com) </i></span></blockquote>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px;">According
to their website, The Devotion Project is a series of short documentary
portraits of LGBT couples, examining and celebrating their commitment and
devotion. This first short film in the series, "More than Ever"
documents Bill Campbell and John Hilton's 54-year love story. It won the
Audience Award for Best Short at Newfest: The New York LGBT Film Festival <i>(and
it won my heart)</i>. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px;">It is only less than ten minutes, watch the film here:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;">Beautiful
story. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;">54
years! That is 4536 gay relationship months or 378 gay relationship years!
(Funny, they say that for every month you are in a same-sex relationship, it is
multiplied by seven months) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;">After
watching the film -- and also being a counseling psychologist and a
gay-relationship-advocate wannabee, I asked myself, what was their secret? I
want to know their secret because I know it is not easy. I had two 3-year
relationships and currently working on another one <i>(Oh incidentally, we are
celebrating our third month today and this film is a sweet reminder that sometimes it
hurts but sometimes it also last in love instead!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;">But
I discovered one secret and John Hilton wrote it last July 2011 in <a href="http://devotionproject.tumblr.com/post/8086041903/a-life-lesson-with-bill-campbell">Life Lesson with Bill Campbell</a>.</span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;"><i>"How
can love be profane if it really is love?,"</i> he asked.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;">"Every
day of our life together, Bill and I valued more and more, the privilege of
spending our life with each other. We quickly admonished ourselves about any
feelings of guilt about our happiness but instead concentrated to understand it
as the very evidence we perpetually sought that we were living in the right
way."</span></i></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 13px;">The
director and producer Anthony Osso shared the birth of this project. Watch it
here:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 10pt;"><b>My
prayer tonight: "I want to be like that and I can do that too."</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-69702177172569276152011-11-02T18:24:00.003+08:002011-11-02T18:26:50.442+08:00The Psychological Association of the Philippines (PAP) comes out of the closet!<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I am happy and
proud of the Psychological Association of the Philippines (PAP) – to which I
am a member – for their recent statement on non-discrimination based on sexual
orientation, gender identity, and expression! This is both a historic event for
Philippine psychology and for Filipino LGBTs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I was part of the
consultation with other LGBT and non-LGBT psychologists but it was <a href="http://www.facebook.com/ejmanalastas">Eric JulianManalastas</a> who gave his body and soul to it (no pun directed). Thank you, Eric
– you are really a king (or queen, whatever you prefer) in LGBT psychology! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">You can check the
PAP’s statement in their News and Updates section of their <a href="http://pap.org.ph/">website</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Or, you can just
read on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Statement of
the Psychological Association of the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Philippines</st1:place></st1:country-region> on Non Discrimination
Based on Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity and Expression<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Lesbian,
gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) Filipinos continue to experience stigma,
prejudice, and discrimination in Philippine society. This stigma is manifested
in actions such as: bullying, teasing, and harassment of LGBT children and adolescents
in families, schools, and communities; media portrayal of LGBTs as frivolous,
untrustworthy, and even dangerous or predatory; denying transgender Filipinos
entry into commercial establishments; pigeonholing LGBT Filipinos into
particularly limited roles and occupations; or curtailing their rights to
participate in the political sphere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">LGBT
Filipinos often confront social pressures to hide, suppress or even attempt to
change their identities and expressions as conditions for their social acceptance
and enjoyment of rights. Although many LGBTs learn to cope with this social
stigma, these experiences can cause serious psychological distress, including
immediate consequences such as fear, sadness, alienation, anger, and internalized
stigma (Hatzenbuehler, 2009; Meyer, 2003). This anti-LGBT prejudice and
discrimination tend to be based on a rhetoric of moral condemnation and are
fueled by ignorance or unfounded beliefs associating these gender expressions
and sexual orientations with psychopathology or maladjustment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">However,
decades of scientific research have led mental health professional organizations
worldwide to conclude that lesbian, gay, and bisexual orientations are normal
variants of human sexuality. These
include: the American Psychiatric Association in 1973, the American
Psychological Association in 1975, British Psychological Society, the Colombian
Society of Psychology, Psychological Society of South Africa, the Australian
Psychological Society, and the International Network on Lesbian, Gay, and
Bisexual Concerns and Transgender Issues in Psychology, among others. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The
Psychological Association of the Philippines (PAP) aligns itself with the
global initiatives to remove the stigma of mental illness that has long been
associated with diverse sexualities and to promote the wellbeing of LGBT
people. Moreover, the PAP Code of Ethics (2010) is clear in its stance against
discrimination. Filipino psychologists are called upon to recognize the unique
worth and inherent dignity of all human beings; and to respect the diversity
among persons and peoples (Principle I, a and b). This means that Filipino psychologists should
not discriminate against or demean persons based on actual or perceived
differences in characteristics including gender identity and sexual orientation
(Ethical Standard III-A and C; V-B.8). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In
order to eliminate stigma, prejudice, discrimination and violence against LGBT,
the PAP resolves to support efforts to:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">• oppose all public and private discrimination on
the basis of actual or perceived sexual orientation, gender identity, and
expression;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">• repeal discriminatory laws and policies, and
support the passage of legislation at the local and national levels that
protect the rights and promote the welfare of people of all sexual orientations
and gender identities and expressions;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">• eliminate all forms of prejudice and
discrimination against LGBTs in teaching, research, psychological
interventions, assessment and other psychological programs;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">• encourage psychological research that addresses
the needs and concerns of LGBT Filipinos and their families and communities;<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">• disseminate and apply accurate and evidence-based
information about sexual orientation and gender identity and expression to design
interventions that foster mental health and wellbeing of LGBT Filipinos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">References<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">American Psychiatric
Association. (1973). Position statement on homosexuality and civil rights.
American Journal of Psychiatry, 131; 497.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Anton, B.S. (2009).
Proceedings of the American Psychological Association for the legislative year
2008: Minutes of the annual meeting of the Council of Representatives, February
22-24, 2008, <st1:city w:st="on">Washington</st1:city>, <st1:state w:st="on">DC</st1:state>,
and August 13 and 17, 2008, <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Boston</st1:city>,
<st1:state w:st="on">MA</st1:state></st1:place>, and minutes of the February,
June, August, and December 2008 meetings of the Board of Directors. American
Psychologist, 64; 372-453.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Conger, J.J. (1975).
Proceedings of the American Psychological Association, Incorporated, for the
year 1974: Minutes of the annual meeting of the Council of Representatives.
American Psychologist, 30; 620-651.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Hatzenbuehler, M. L.
(2009). How does sexual minority stigma “get under the skin”? A psychological
mediation framework. Psychological Bulletin, 135; 707-730.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">International Network for
Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Concerns and Transgender Issues in Psychology (2001).
Sexual orientation and mental health: Toward global perspectives on practice
and policy. Retrieved from
http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/international-meeting.pdf<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.5in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Meyer, I. H.
(2003).Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and
bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological
Bulletin, 129; 674-697.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Psychological Association
of the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Philippines</st1:place></st1:country-region>
Scientific and Professional Ethics Committee. (2010). Code of Ethics for
Philippine Psychologists. Philippine Journal of Psychology, 43; 195-217.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br />Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-27256571571226050312011-10-15T23:19:00.000+08:002011-10-15T23:19:49.286+08:00You know you're in love...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1zEk325ALgjdxejV5xqcmDN93bt58AQuS-g0kK2z2eSX0Oaij2Mmk5tiOnQzepESHzC0McWPujeOi_xQlHGfzIAPQWyG3ReE4FzhOnxaIVObOHMPoPxDGCB4FNCtfHHhy1hmBHTHLr1Vg/s1600/gay_love_couple_dancing_by_raphael_perez.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="317" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1zEk325ALgjdxejV5xqcmDN93bt58AQuS-g0kK2z2eSX0Oaij2Mmk5tiOnQzepESHzC0McWPujeOi_xQlHGfzIAPQWyG3ReE4FzhOnxaIVObOHMPoPxDGCB4FNCtfHHhy1hmBHTHLr1Vg/s320/gay_love_couple_dancing_by_raphael_perez.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">#1: When as soon as you wake up, you check your phone and see if
he already left a message.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #2: When your phone
inbox is full of his messages and you have the compulsion to write all his
messages in a notebook!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #3: When you whisper
a silent prayer for him before you sleep and when you mentally add his name to
the list people your guardian angel should also protect.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #4: When you asked
somebody to surprise him with roses at his office because you are currently
islands apart.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #5: When his picture
is your ipod wallpaper.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #6: Kung maglalis mo
kung kinsay una mo butang sa phone, "Ikaw una, sige ikaw na lang, dungan
na lang ta, sige 1 2 3..."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #7: When the first
person you send an sms or call after your plane just landed is your beloved.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #8: When you cook for
your beloved - even if it is only sausages and eggs (no pun intended, or pwede
na rin).</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #9: When you
voluntarily deactivate your Grindr account.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #10: When you introduced
him to the family when showed sympathy by visiting the wake of your
grandfather.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #11: When about a few
weeks ago, you were hooked up with George R.R. Martin's Westeros world but now
all you think about is your beloved.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #12: When you don't
mind staying inside your room with your beloved the whole day - and it seems
that we are the world! Haha!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> #13: When you edit
and add AA at the beginning of his name in your phone book - para siya ang
unang tao sa phone list mo. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"># 14: When your beloved evokes varied emotions in you within
an hour -- from happiness, acceptance, security, and excitement to sadness,
fear of rejection, insecurity, humiliation, and anger.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">#15: Kung siya at ikaw ang profile pic mo. (Bu-ak ra teh?!!)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">#16: When listening to Adele doesn't hurt as much anymore.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">#17: Kahit na nagkikita kayo araw-araw, pero tuwing paguwi
mo, pakiramdam mo kulang pa rin ang pagsasama niyo.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">#18: When strolling around the mall and looking for a
monthsary gift for your beloved is therapeutic.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">#19: When you distract yourself with a movie so that you
wouldn't be missing him much on his weekend <st1:place w:st="on">Bohol</st1:place>
tour.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">#20: When life is always beautiful.</span></div>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-2875036548400557482011-07-07T12:04:00.001+08:002011-07-11T22:48:37.505+08:00Why We Should Be Allowed to Get Married<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>“In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there’s nothing you can’t do…”</i> sings Alicia Keys. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV6ofiAxq4bQ1IzWn1L6BjrKF-dxmVkN3l8DNgve_4X6CV-WSE6_bXxh5CEQyYSE-ZLN9qqXE7IrKDC6OCDMhxuBF63Gos31wLN-ACf5bggbd2gEH39DFFQN3QNwR0HLJd2sKXhkRX0gxR/s1600/gay+marriage+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="287" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV6ofiAxq4bQ1IzWn1L6BjrKF-dxmVkN3l8DNgve_4X6CV-WSE6_bXxh5CEQyYSE-ZLN9qqXE7IrKDC6OCDMhxuBF63Gos31wLN-ACf5bggbd2gEH39DFFQN3QNwR0HLJd2sKXhkRX0gxR/s400/gay+marriage+2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/25/nyregion/gay-marriage-approved-by-new-york-senate.html?_r=1">New York City</a> joins Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Iowa, and Washington, D.C., in legally recognizing gay marriage. Although in the US, same-sex marriages are not recognized federally, but other countries have nationwide legal recognition of same-sex marriage like Argentina, Belgium, Canada, Iceland, the Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, Spain, and Sweden. (Check this <a href="http://ilga.org/map/LGBTI_rights.jpg">2008 world map</a> on where homosexuality is legal and illegal.)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Talks of same-sex marriages resurfaced in the Philippines after the legalization of same-sex marriages in New York. And almost on the same weekend, the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) performed <a href="http://www.sunstar.com.ph/baguio/local-news/2011/06/25/8-couples-join-gay-wedding-baguio-163230">wedding rites for eight gay and lesbian couples in Baguio City.</a>This sparked strong reactions from the <a href="http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/-depth/06/29/11/love-not-kadiri-pastor-tells-bacani">Catholic Church</a> and even <a href="http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/regions/06/28/11/baguio-declare-married-lgbts-unwelcome">local officials</a> of Baguio City. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But why should LGBT people be allowed to get married? Although I cannot reconcile disputes about core values brought about by this controversy, I can only address factual questions and provide answers from psychological empirical researches.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Gregory Herek, a social psychologist, summarized research studies on why marriage is not only for opposite-sex couples but also for same-sex couples in his article, <a href="http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/AP_06_pre.PDF"><i>“Legal recognition of same-sex relationship in the United States: A social science perspective”</i></a> published in American Psychologist (September, 2006). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Most LGBT political organizations emphasized the legal and economic benefits of same-sex marriage but there are psychological benefits too. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">A lot of researches have shown that married men and women who are satisfied with their relationship generally experience better physical and mental health than their unmarried counterpart (single, cohabiting, or its complicated status). But Herek wrote that the positive health effects of marriage result from the <i>“tangible resources and protection accorded to spouses by the society.” </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Herek summarized these points:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><ol start="1" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Married couples have greater economic and financial security than unmarried couples. This is due to tax, employment, death, and entitlement benefits. Studies have shown that financial security is an important predictor of mental and physical health.</span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><ol start="2" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Married couples have greater social support than unmarried couples from parents, friends, and even priests! The wedding ceremony, afterall, is a public commitment by the couple and the attendees to make the marriage work. This public commitment ceremony increases each relationship partner’s sense of security that the relationship will last.</span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><ol start="3" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Married couples have buffers against psychological stress associated with stressful life events. Spouses have a sense of personal control during different types of stressful situations because of their legal status. For example, a spouse can make health decisions to continue or end the life of a sick or injured partner, and can make funeral decisions and burial arrangements. Also, a spouse can choose not to testify against one’s partner who is under litigation because <i>(at least in US laws)</i> it is part of the marital privileges. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><ol start="4" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Married couples have a harder time in ending their relationship compared to unmarried couples because of the barriers and constraints of dissolving the relationship. Feelings of obligation to one’s spouse, children, and family, moral and religious values about divorce, legal restrictions, financial concerns, and the expected disapproval of friends and the community are barriers to terminating a marriage. In turn, marriage can be a source of relationship stability and commitment. </span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Without legal recognition, same-sex couples lack both the practical benefits of marriage and the buffers that marriage provides against the consequences of traumatic events and relationship dissolution. According to Herek, these are consequences of non-recognition of same-sex couples: </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><ol start="1" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Same-sex couples do not enjoy the many economic protections of marriage in areas such as taxation, property rights, employment, and health benefits. <i>(I am not well versed with the Philippine laws but I still think that the financial situation of opposite-sex married couples is still way better than those of same-sex couples in the country.)</i></span> </li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.25in;"><br />
</div><ol start="2" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Same-sex couples lack the protections that marriage provides when a lifetime partner dies. Although some couples are well-informed and create legal protections when these things might happen through wills and contracts, these are still expenses for the couple -- and even these measures do not always protect the partner! (For example, if partners didn’t create legal protections, the house built by both partners over the years of their relationship can easily be “stolen” by the biological family of the deceased partner.)</span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><ol start="3" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Same-sex couples may have problems with exclusion of one’s partner to medical care, hospital access and visitation, and health decision making. When one partner dies, the surviving partner will have to face possible exclusion from funeral and burial arrangements by the biological family. This might result to the inability to cope from this stressor and therefore increasing the risk of physical and mental illness in the future.</span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><ol start="4" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Same-sex couples do not have the barriers to relationship dissolution that the institution of marriage provides to opposite-sex couples. We always think and say that gay relationships do not last. But we are not also given a chance. Same-sex relationships are most likely to last longer and be more stable if the partners received the same levels of social support and public recognition of their relationship that opposite-sex couples enjoy.</span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I am happy for New York. I am happy for the Filipino LGBTs who are living in New York. At least, they have a chance to live a married life, a chance to a better life. Marriage has psychosocial benefits and protections and when it is denied to same-sex couples, it is unjust, inhuman, and <i>maybe to my definition</i>, even sinful. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But for the Philippines? I sigh. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I dream of becoming married one day – married to a man. I want my Mom and Dad, my brothers, nephews and nieces to be there – happy for me, happy for us. And of course, I want his family to be there too… and my friends and his friends. And on our wedding night <i>and beyond</i>, I will be dashing and he will be handsome. And there will be music… and poetry... and theater (some drama and some comedy!). We will laugh… <i>and sometimes cry</i>, sing… <i>and sometimes shout</i>, but we will dance… <i>to forever.</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>****************</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Herek, G. (2006.) Legal recognition of same-sex relationship in the United States: A social science perspective. <i>American Psychologist, 61 </i>(6), 607-621. <i> </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i> </i></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
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</div>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-60551224400175257022011-06-21T11:46:00.004+08:002011-06-21T13:16:23.040+08:00Of Romantic Rejection and Heart's Braking<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><i style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Of all pains, the greatest pain,<br />
Is to love, and to love in vain.</span></i><b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br />
George Granville</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu8lQZSJRSd0XTrwRCBICfkljoNcZjC9YPUjaylQeJfP8hR7paPXs-kToJz-t1hfGbGb0kwyT_KeFrhCDHrCtiL8iEXyEhDBzaiOxv-gvD0zD4cgWGn710weuSjOFI324VA-gk_r6dfecD/s1600/healed-broken-heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu8lQZSJRSd0XTrwRCBICfkljoNcZjC9YPUjaylQeJfP8hR7paPXs-kToJz-t1hfGbGb0kwyT_KeFrhCDHrCtiL8iEXyEhDBzaiOxv-gvD0zD4cgWGn710weuSjOFI324VA-gk_r6dfecD/s320/healed-broken-heart.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">A year ago, I wrote an article (<a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2010/05/of-romantic-rejection-and-pain_21.html">Of Romantic Rejection and Pain</a>) on how the experience of heartache is not only symbolic but also real. A study by Nathan DeWall and his colleagues from University of Kentucky has shown through fMRI scans that emotional pain like being romantically rejected affects the same primary brain regions as that of physical pain.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">But is it all in the brain? I am no stranger to rejections, socially or romantically. And I know what rejection feels like - sometimes it is like your </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">heart is being crushed by a hand, and on other times, it feels like your heart is being pricked by thorns. So one might ask, </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">is your heart just a muscle for pumping blood, and if so, is being heartbroken only symbolic? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Current research published in Psychological Science (August 2010) by </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Bregtje Moor, Eveline Crone and Maurits van der Molen </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">of the University of Amsterdam and Leiden University in the Netherlands </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">investigated if rejection affects the parasympathetic nervous system, which in turns, slows the heart rate. </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Participants were asked to submit a portrait photograph of themselves weeks prior to the experiment and were led to believe that other individuals of the same age would look at the photos and decide whether they liked the person or not. </span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">A few weeks after, each volunteer came to the laboratory. They had wires placed on their chest for an electrocardiogram while they view 120 photos of different faces they didn’t know. For each face, they were asked to guess whether that person liked them or not (a social judgment task). Afterwards, they were told whether the person actually “liked” them or not. But unknown to the participants, the feedback was a randomly computer generated response. </span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Also, to determine if social rejection really slows the heart drastically compared to other feedback, the participants were asked to judge whether the person in the photograph was 21 years of age or older (an age judgment task). Feedback was also given if participants accurately predicted the age of the other person. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjofR2a_nhgevr2CoNwVZjl5Dj03mFUnjlbCxYTDIOT3Cyb2p9G5Sv5G3kx-60hsreoU0Yp7PcJAuNaQ9kSpF8wZ4Ig0QlgFBYkCAFwmLLt7ugDUcP4zhHeR3utU7eK4inCKQn1E4OPCyX-/s1600/heartbrake.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjofR2a_nhgevr2CoNwVZjl5Dj03mFUnjlbCxYTDIOT3Cyb2p9G5Sv5G3kx-60hsreoU0Yp7PcJAuNaQ9kSpF8wZ4Ig0QlgFBYkCAFwmLLt7ugDUcP4zhHeR3utU7eK4inCKQn1E4OPCyX-/s320/heartbrake.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;">Results have shown that in any feedback, participants’ heart rates slow down but recover back to baseline very quickly. But when given negative feedback (like when participants wrongly guessed the age of the person in the picture), the recovery was delayed. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">But when they were told the person in the photograph didn’t like them, the heart rate dropped further and was slower to get back up to the usual rate. Furthermore, participants exhibit a pronounced heart rate slowing - the authors are saying that in effect, a “heart<i>brake</i>” – when participants expected that the other person likes them! </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Thus, UNexpected rejection <i>brakes </i>the heart more than expected rejection! </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Then I asked, how does one love: to love with abandon or to love hesitatingly (half expecting to be rejected)? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Although this deserves another blog entry, I know that some hearts are adventurous, some hearts are fearful. Some hearts are resilient, some hearts are exhausted. But one thing I am sure of love - <i>either successful or jilted</i> - love is not for the weak of heart. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">********</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;">Moor, B., Crone, E., & Van der Molen, M. (2010). The heartbrake of social rejection: Heart Rate deceleration in response to unexpected peer rejection. <i>Psychological Science, 21</i>(9), 1326-1333. (Download article <a href="http://www.keepandshare.com/doc/view.php?id=2895804&da=y">here</a>). </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS"; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-21818123099845185152011-06-13T01:28:00.003+08:002011-06-13T01:35:56.678+08:00what is the word in your heart?<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">At the end of each day, I would always ask myself: </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>“What is the word in your heart? Is it a yes or a no?”</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Today, I answered, “Yes.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><span style="font-size: small;">Tomorrow, I will achieve that my answer is a yes. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAX2KT17XWAkDJ_FLPEl4dWQMbC5kjt7M7pLRqMUqg1eFphLsFEUpwiOZxEYztH-dyPHvTRhpLfbfNX5uWdUOZW4y2ozNbsI8PNdANm9dRQyuc8N8wc-eCjpPfYnL0myzfFTw1njf9P3Qh/s1600/odyssey-by-mathilde-stein-lr1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAX2KT17XWAkDJ_FLPEl4dWQMbC5kjt7M7pLRqMUqg1eFphLsFEUpwiOZxEYztH-dyPHvTRhpLfbfNX5uWdUOZW4y2ozNbsI8PNdANm9dRQyuc8N8wc-eCjpPfYnL0myzfFTw1njf9P3Qh/s320/odyssey-by-mathilde-stein-lr1.jpg" width="246" /></a></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"> (<a href="http://mcommemathilde.wordpress.com/2010/09/22/odyssey/">The Odyssey</a> by Mathilde Stein)</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">yes is a world</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">& in this world of</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">yes live</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">(skillfully curled)</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">all worlds</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">e. e. cummings</span></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-12002100839160600882011-04-09T00:30:00.004+08:002011-04-09T12:45:56.462+08:00power motive behind tops and bottoms<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9-dUZmCkHQxGOucZLBQXIiT-Mh6BbOL6U9fB7O3oaKIhbu8hL5NyO3h2qvURh-Vhc3ebnN9Ax6FtNJiDKjgG3e2ZcpYeTzHoB3adl3xHumDp1Si-M_vz_xmR391pmUeWnDuhSZGVpKr6j/s1600/gay+painting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">A few days ago I wrote an article about that one question in the gay scene that can make or break that one hot passionate encounter or that one possible romantic relationship. (Read <a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2011/04/whats-in-name-top-bottom-and-versatile.html">Part 1</a>.) </span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Are you a top or a bottom?</span><br />
<br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9-dUZmCkHQxGOucZLBQXIiT-Mh6BbOL6U9fB7O3oaKIhbu8hL5NyO3h2qvURh-Vhc3ebnN9Ax6FtNJiDKjgG3e2ZcpYeTzHoB3adl3xHumDp1Si-M_vz_xmR391pmUeWnDuhSZGVpKr6j/s1600/gay+painting.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9-dUZmCkHQxGOucZLBQXIiT-Mh6BbOL6U9fB7O3oaKIhbu8hL5NyO3h2qvURh-Vhc3ebnN9Ax6FtNJiDKjgG3e2ZcpYeTzHoB3adl3xHumDp1Si-M_vz_xmR391pmUeWnDuhSZGVpKr6j/s320/gay+painting.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Scientists have studied these sexual self-labels and their meaningful correlates on sexual behaviors and personality. (I have summarized it <a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2011/04/whats-in-name-top-bottom-and-versatile.html">here.</a>) Among other correlates, studies have showed that tops desired sex where they were dominant and in control whereas bottoms desired sex where they were overpowered.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Will Damon interviewed 20 gay men -- 10 tops & 10 bottoms who reported that they</span> have had penetrative anal sex with a man in the last six months and who reported a consistent and strong sexual role preference<span style="font-size: small;">. He asked them what turned them on about their preferred sexual role, what they disliked about the other role, and if there were any situational factors that influenced their preference. <a href="http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_go1966/is_1_9/ai_n28810505/pg_3/?tag=content;col1">Results </a>were published in the Canadian Journal of Homosexuality (2000). </span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Tops were asked and these were their replies:</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">What are the things about insertive anal sex turn you on?</span></b></div><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"Dominance ... I like that. Like when I'm slamming into them, I have control over them. I can hold them down and fuck them."</span></i></div></blockquote><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> <i>"With a guy on his back with his legs on my shoulders, I feel great control over him. It is me grabbing his legs, me engulfing him with my mouth, me pulling him to me, me devouring him sexually." </i></span></div></blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Is being the insertive partner a natural outgrowth of who you are and is being the receptive partner unnatural? </span></b></div><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"It's more natural for me ... more comfortable. I would never feel comfortable getting fucked. It feels wrong. I never fantasized about it. I thought I had to do it at one time. When I realized I didn't, I was relieved." </span></i></div></blockquote><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"I'm aggressive in every part of my life ... being a top is just part of that."</span></i></div></blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">What do you dislike about being the receptive partner in sex?</span></b></div><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"I don't like the idea of surrendering to anyone. The few times I've been fucked, I was definitely a ‘top bottom.’ I was aggressive and totally in control." </span></i></div></blockquote><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"When I have been fucked, I put myself in the top position of the guy who was fucking me. It's almost like, if I'm not in control, I'm not interested in it, so I mentally put myself in that position."</span></i></div></blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">On the other hand, bottoms were asked and these were their replies:</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">What are the things about receptive anal sex turn you on?</span></b></div><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"I like strong, aggressive, dominant men. The feeling of dominance over me turns me on." </span></i></div></blockquote><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"> "I like feeling more submissive. I like feeling overpowered. I like a guy who is really into fucking. There is a masculinity about the ability to fuck. That masculinity turns me on."</span></i></div></blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">What other factors other than sexual pleasure influenced you desire to be the receptive partner in sex?</span></b></div><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"I have to be in control of things all day. In sex, I can give that up."</span></i></div></blockquote><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"I'm a very controlling person, and I take control in all these other areas of my life. In sex, I like to give up control. Someone else is taking care of me. Someone else is calling the shots. I do it every other minute of the day. I don't want to do it in sex too." </span></i></div></blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">What do you dislike about insertive anal sex?</span></b></div><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">"With being a top, comes a role with it. I wouldn't get a rest from being dominant. You have to be aggressive in all domains. I don't want a wimpy top, so I have these expectations of a top. I wouldn't want someone to have those expectations of me." </span></i></div></blockquote><blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">“With men, I can get what I want ... the masculine energy ... instead of having to be that--hypermasculine, buffed, pumped up--all the time. It was so much pressure to have to be that." </span></i></div></blockquote><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Although with a small sample size, many of their responses were related to themes of power, either desiring it or surrendering it. Tops reported liking the power, dominance, and control aspects of being the insertive partner whereas bottoms liked the idea of being overpowered during sex. Tops felt natural about their role and felt uncomfortable with the loss of control they experienced in receptive anal sex. On the other hand, bottoms want to give up control in sex to achieve that sense of balance since they are already controlling in other aspects of their life. Also, they reported being uncomfortable with the role that came with being the insertive partner.</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So if someone asks me if I am a top or a bottom, my answer is a question, <i>“why, what turns you on?” </i></span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Call me romantic or naïve, but good food, great conversations, and lots of mutual affection turn me on!</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">****************</span></div><span style="font-size: x-small;">Damon, W (2001). The relations of power and intimacy motives to genitoerotic role preferences in gay men: A pilot study. <i>Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 9</i>(1) 15-30.</span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-21976603758122646812011-04-05T03:41:00.005+08:002011-04-09T08:22:53.786+08:00what's in a name: tops, bottoms, and versatiles?<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">There is one question in the gay scene that can make or break that one hot passionate encounter or that one possible romantic relationship. The question is:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>“Are you a top or a bottom?”</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzdtlutrTJdKCcHMu8-FpLJJkOjHn4fkfprq36m7E2kPWDoCkV9BxU9FvYATs8ja5oo64Siy5Uw60c3UDGvaNQiWaKx6EmRzlvlNMDGtLQF-edRV17C9OhMRivpsft0FdmqscXbYk36HUu/s1600/two_men_hugging_gay_art_paintings_male_nude_naked.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzdtlutrTJdKCcHMu8-FpLJJkOjHn4fkfprq36m7E2kPWDoCkV9BxU9FvYATs8ja5oo64Siy5Uw60c3UDGvaNQiWaKx6EmRzlvlNMDGtLQF-edRV17C9OhMRivpsft0FdmqscXbYk36HUu/s320/two_men_hugging_gay_art_paintings_male_nude_naked.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">To the heterosexual scene, some might interpret this as who is the dominant or the submissive partner, <a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2010/12/myth-of-king-and-queen.html">the king or the queen</a>. But for people like us, we know that tops are those people who get more pleasure (or perhaps suffer less anxiety or discomfort) from acting as the insertive partner during anal intercourse whereas bottoms are those who get more satisfaction from acting as the receptive partner. Versatiles, on the other hand, have no strong preference for either the insertive or the receptive role since they derive pleasure in doing both.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">In my mind, I often answer, <i>“Does it matter?”</i> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Jesse Bering, an evolutionary psychologist and a writer for Scientific American, said in his article <a href="http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=top-scientists-get-to-the-bottom-of-2009-09-16">“Top scientists get to the bottom of gay male sex role preferences”</a> that there are logistical problems when two tops or two bottoms are in a monogamous relationship and they are most likely to encounter conflict than those who have complementary sexual roles. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was surprised how scientists have already studied the top-bottom-versatile self-labels and their meaningful correlates on sexual fantasy, behaviors, sexual satisfaction, physical preferences of partners, and personality. So I have summarized some interesting results here: </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">1. Self-labels meaningfully predict sexual fantasies and overall sexual patterns (i.e., oral and anal sex). It means that those who identify as tops fantasize and are indeed more likely to act as the insertive partner, bottoms are more likely to fantasize and engage to be the receptive partner, and versatiles occupy an intermediate status in sexual fantasy and behavior (<a href="http://www.ryerson.ca/thart/publications/Peer-Reviewed%20Articles/19_Article_Sexual%20behavior%20among%20HIV-positive%20men%20who%20have%20s.pdf">Hart et al., 2003</a>; Wegison & Meyer-Bahlburg, 2000, Damon, 2000; Moskowitz, Rieger, & Roloff, 2008). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">2. But even if one identifies as top or bottom, their sexual behaviors are not mutually exclusive to being insertive or receptive. Among the 205 participants of the study by Hart et al. (2003), 41% of tops have engaged in receptive anal intercourse and 39% of bottoms have engaged in insertive anal intercourse at least once in the last three months. But when it comes to oral sex, majority reported engaging in receptive oral intercourse despite of their sexual self-label. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">3. Tops reported that insertive anal sex was significantly more sexually pleasurable than did bottoms whereas bottoms reported finding receptive anal sex significantly more pleasurable than did tops. With regards to oral sex, bottoms reported finding receptive oral sex significantly more pleasurable than did tops but there was no significant difference between groups on their assessment of the sexual pleasure involved in insertive oral sex (Damon, 2000).</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">4. If age, height, weight, hairiness, and penis size are indicators of masculinity, tops seek out sexual partners with less masculine features -- younger, smoother, shorter, lighter, and less endowed penis while bottoms seek out sexual partners with more masculine features -- older, hairier, taller, more solid, and more endowed penis (<a href="http://www.nickyee.com/ponder/topbottom.html">Yee, 2002</a>; Damon, 2000). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">5. Tops desired sex where they were dominant and in control whereas bottoms desired sex where they were overpowered or "taken" in their narratives <a href="http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_go1966/is_1_9/ai_n28810505/?tag=content;col1">(Damon, 2000)</a> and more likely to prefer rough sex than the other categories (Yee, 2002). (More of this <a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2011/04/power-motives-behind-tops-and-bottoms.html">here</a>.)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">6. Tops, compared to bottoms, were significantly more likely to want to "show off", be "worshipped", and display their bodies by their partners during sex, and they were significantly more likely to desire a sex partner that looked up to them as a guide or mentor (Damon, 2000).</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">7. Tops were less likely than bottoms or versatiles to identify themselves as gay and are more likely to have had sex with a woman in the past three months (Hart et al., 2003; Carrier, 1989; Doll & Beeker, 1996).</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">8. Tops manifested higher internalized homophobia— the degree of discomfort about one’s homosexuality, than versatiles and bottoms (Hart et al., 2003; Ross & Rosser, 1996). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">9. Bottoms report childhood feminine behavior and gender nonconformity and may choose to engage in sexual behavior that is more consistent with traditional feminine gender norms in adulthood (Weinrich et al., 1992; Damon 2000). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">10. Versatiles pursue higher levels of sexual excitement and engage in novel sexual experiences and, thus, are more flexible in their sexual activity. They seem to enjoy better psychological health with lesser anxiety than the group who does not want to put a sexual label on themselves and lesser internalized homophobia than tops (Hart et al, 2003). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So I throw the question back to you, <i>“Are you a top or a bottom?”</i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Call me romantic and naive, but I thought love will solve that problem. =)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">**************</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Carrier, J. M. (1989). Sexual behavior and spread of AIDS in Mexico. <i>Medical Anthropology, 10,</i> 129-142. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Damon, W (2001). The relations of power and intimacy motives to genitoerotic role preferences in gay men: A pilot study. <i>Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 9</i>(1) 15-30.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Doll, L.S., & Beekr, C. (1996). Male bisexual behavior and HIV risk in the United States: Synthesis of research with implications for behavioral interventions. <i>AIDS Education and Prevention, 8,</i> 205-208</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Hart, T., Wolitski, R., Purcell, D., Gomez, C., & Halkiti, P (2003). Sexual behavior among HIV-positive men who have sex with me: What’s in a label? <i>The Journal of Sex Research, 40</i>(2), 178-188</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="DE">Moskowitz, D. A., Rieger, G., & Roloff, M. E. (2008). </span>Tops, bottoms, and versatiles. <i>Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 23,</i> 191-202.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Ross, M. W., & Rosser, B. R. S. (1996). Measures and correlates of internalized homophobia: A factor analytic study.<i> Journal of Clinical Psychology, 52,</i> 15-21.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Wegison, D., & Myer-Bahlburg, H. F. L. (2000). Top/bottom self label, anal sex practices, HIV risk and gender role identity in gay men in New York City. <i>Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, 12</i>, 43-62.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Weinrich, J., Grant, I., Jacobson, D., Robinson, R., & McCutchan, J. (1992). Effects of recalled childhood gender nonconformity on adult genitoerotic role and AIDS exposure. <i>Archives of Sexual Behavior, 21</i>(6) 559-585.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Yee, N. (2002). Beyond tops and bottoms: Correlations between sex-role preference and physical preferences for partners among gay men. Retrieved [April 4, 2011] from http://www.nickyee.com/ponder/topbottom.pdf</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-71455652997704308412010-12-12T20:36:00.007+08:002011-04-05T03:49:46.416+08:00the myth of the king and the queen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2yHXkDFLMD6XCcUUemcN5PMSGWmeH8IIvMOCLAHmoXXTLcJmWOnaT6H77BztF9CF75PAOmljdT0LmECgm7Bb88hpmhyphenhyphenKnz6aDubAweJX2mSAxkWXC1224-ejzcv4Kgd0VHvkVe2gqAYQ9/s1600/king+queen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2yHXkDFLMD6XCcUUemcN5PMSGWmeH8IIvMOCLAHmoXXTLcJmWOnaT6H77BztF9CF75PAOmljdT0LmECgm7Bb88hpmhyphenhyphenKnz6aDubAweJX2mSAxkWXC1224-ejzcv4Kgd0VHvkVe2gqAYQ9/s320/king+queen.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>“Niel, are you a king or a queen?” </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">A colleague innocently asked me the question above in one of our coffee bonding. Was she serious? I thought. <i> </i>I don’t know if it was a compliment or not. I mean, isn’t it obvious?<i> </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But then, I paused and reconsidered what I was thinking. Was she asking about my <a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2010/04/respond-to-ayan.html">sexual identity </a>– our personal identification of our sexuality? Because if that’s what she meant, I am definitely a queen! =)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>“But what do you mean by a king or queen?” </i>I had to clarify what she meant by her question.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>“I mean, in relationships, are you more of the male or the female?” </i> She answered. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>“Ah, what you meant is the gender role I play when I am in </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>a relationship…”</i></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Gender role is a set of social and behavioral norms -- within a specific culture -- which is widely considered to be socially appropriate of the specific sex. Husbands are expected to do tasks that require physical strength (e.g., moving the furniture) and to financially provide the expenses of the home. On the other hand, wives are expected to take greater responsibility of the home (e.g., cook food, wash the dishes) and take care of the children. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">However, the view that husband and wife roles are universal in intimate relationships is a myth. And, most people believe (and at times confused) that gays and lesbians also adhere to these gender roles (Peplau, 1993). In same-sex couples, who is the husband, who is the wife? Who is the king, who is the queen?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Studies have shown (at least those conducted in the west) that cohabiting same-sex couples are less likely than different-sex couples to divide household labor according to culturally defined gender roles (Herek, 2006). In fact, gay and lesbian couples divide chores fairly equally since most lesbians and gays are in dual earning relationships (Peplau & Fingerhut, 2007).</span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Kurdek (2005) summarized studies of same sex gender roles when they are in romantic relationships. </span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">1.) Gay and lesbian couples do not assign roles like husband or wife for household labor. </span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">2.) Gay and lesbian couples are most likely than heterosexual couples to <i>“negotiate a balance between achieving fair distribution of household labor and accommodating the different interests, skills, and work schedules of particular partners”</i> </span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">3.) A gay or lesbian partner is likely to specialize in the household tasks they do efficiently and effectively. </span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">When I was in a live-in relationship for three years, my ex-partner and I share and take turns at home. Since my ex-partner has more recipes in mind, he does most of the cooking. Since I am comfortable in washing the dishes, I usually volunteer to do it. I know of a lesbian couple who take turns in cooking their favorite dish and both are equally active in parenting their daughter. But when it comes to fixing the broken things at home, they hire an electrician, a carpenter, or a plumber for it. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But how about dates, who pays for it? Most gay men go dutch during dates or modifies by one offering to pay for dinner while the other pays for the movie. But, I am romantic – if it was my idea and I was the one who invited, I would like to pay for the date. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And how about sex? Well, that deserves<a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2011/04/whats-in-name-top-bottom-and-versatile.html"> another blog</a> entry. =)</span></div><br />
<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Gender roles are only suggestions on how relationships can work. These are only preferences. If you want to be a king, be a king. If you want to be a queen, be a queen! In the end, relationship satisfaction is all about relationship tasks done and relationship expectations met. </span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></div><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;">But me, answering my colleague's question, <i>"I am a king and at the same time a queen!"</i></span><br />
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<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">--------------------</span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Herek, G. (2006). Legal recognition of same-sex relationships in the United States: A social science perspective. <i>American Psychologist, 61</i> (6), 607-621. </span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Kurdek, L. (2005). What do we know about gay and lesbian couples? <i>Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14 </i>(5), 251-254.</span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Peplau, L. A. (1993) Lesbian and gay relationships. In Garnets, L. D., & Kimmel, D. C. (Eds.), <i>Psychological perspectives on lesbian & gay male experiences </i>(pp. 395-419). New York: Columbia University Press.</span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Peplau, L. A., & Fingerhut, A. W. (2007). The close relationships of lesbians and gay men. <i>Annual Review of Psychology, 58</i>, 405-424.</span></div><div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; margin-left: 0.5in; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.5in;"><br />
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</div>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-87431846180894974982010-12-02T00:43:00.001+08:002010-12-02T17:10:14.326+08:00If I won the 741M, how will I spend it?<div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But how much is 741M pesos?</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"></div><ol start="1" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Pay my brother’s hospital bills.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Pay all my debts and my family’s debts.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Buy an Iphone4.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Get a Macbook.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Donate to the 2010 Pride March (Manila & Cebu event).</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Hire assistant researchers to collect data for me.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Thanksgiving party here at home.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Be a full time PhD student.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Invest on a Jollibee store.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Buy/build a house in the hills of Cebu.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Enroll in a gym.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"> Buy a car.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Have an educational plan for my two nephews and my niece.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Facilitate the adoption of my nephew.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Memorial plan for my parents and the entire family.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Buy/build a crepe-coffee-pasta place that has a stage for intimate theater in the heart of Cebu City.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Fund an LGBT research and counseling here in the city.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Backpack to Europe (kaya pa ba?).</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Asia trip with my family.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">Buy new wardrobe.</span></li>
</ol><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;">Do I still have extra money?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: small;">If you won, how will you spend your 741M? </span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-54001484053717813162010-10-31T23:24:00.001+08:002010-10-31T23:27:33.986+08:00I miss you, I really miss you.<a href=""></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVp8XjeSIQ3pHLhVF4MJC5oeAy7J0891E2KHWtqEvMTLm4P5UqtEns2SlcT80GLxkptxVnq_xNAzEKfg9NpbrR4A59m3Hrtd-j-t-RsUoEU_96sIJ3y_geLdMPWXRdMfc8BnG_4p50d1zA/s1600/last+message+francis.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVp8XjeSIQ3pHLhVF4MJC5oeAy7J0891E2KHWtqEvMTLm4P5UqtEns2SlcT80GLxkptxVnq_xNAzEKfg9NpbrR4A59m3Hrtd-j-t-RsUoEU_96sIJ3y_geLdMPWXRdMfc8BnG_4p50d1zA/s400/last+message+francis.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe-kz54VcHUhO3wZsyz9506bJ7bEWELLz11PNII75bRJFnfkry2CA3a_IzwWCOR273ihAZcMxRls1PePC-V3eUNqFGOtAybJomXEjN54pAa82F_UB-Tekta3rodH24aVlaFz8bPN5ZT8ev/s1600/last+message+francis.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></div>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-56132876403713451392010-09-05T22:33:00.013+08:002010-10-31T23:26:57.551+08:00Because of you, I have been changed.<div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" ><br />
This was read during Francis' Internment Mass (September 4, 2010, 1PM), St. Joseph Parish, Mandaue City.</span><br />
</div><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><br />
“September settles softly, leaves starting to fall, I recall the last time you were here, your laughter are melody that lingers still. There is a hole in my heart, and I carry it wherever I go, like a treasure that travels with me down every road. There is a hole in my heart, in a shape of you.” - Jewel, an American singer songwriter, wrote this song for a friend who died of cancer.</span></span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVvMalFhcGZY9DCVtRuPtajC3aws171GyQJv13J5AkAvtc9fNGvoZG-NrpN5ggTK6IBF9K3zTd0_4WJxj6Nbb44RtbYRXuY5BWfsDpyQFJlPtNFMBdGIIDUntjAseBtab9hTHD1_jJxxfk/s1600/family.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 239px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVvMalFhcGZY9DCVtRuPtajC3aws171GyQJv13J5AkAvtc9fNGvoZG-NrpN5ggTK6IBF9K3zTd0_4WJxj6Nbb44RtbYRXuY5BWfsDpyQFJlPtNFMBdGIIDUntjAseBtab9hTHD1_jJxxfk/s400/family.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5513442984435635858" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:85%;" >(The last time the family was complete, April, 25, 2010. Francis is sitting in the middle wearing a white cap. Francis already had his first operation. I just got home from Manila. Less than a week after, he had another seizure and we were never the same again.)</span><br />
</div><span style="font-size:100%;"><br />
<span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Teban -- ang akong maguwang na si Francis Kintanar gyud ang nakabunyag nako aning pangalan. Makahinumdum ko na iya kong sugsugon og “Teban Escudero ang nawong morag kaldero.” Og mo tubag ra pud ko, “Pancit palabok bola bola opaw!”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When we were growing up, Francis and I had the most dramatic and sometimes violent fights among the siblings. The name calling, the insults, and the punches (or slaps from me) were exchanged between me and Francis! Seven years among gap,<span style="font-style: italic;"> pero kaming duha mag-ilog og telebabad sa telepono.</span> Junjun and Mark, my other two brothers, are more quiet, introverted, and peaceful in temperament. Growing up, I thought I don’t want to be like my brother.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Surprisingly now, people are telling me that I am a physical photocopy of Francis <span style="font-style: italic;">– ang pagkabus-ok, pagbarog, ang buhok, ang smile. </span>I’ve been told that I look like John Lapus or Vaness Wu, but to be told that I look like my brother Francis is the best compliment so far I have received this year. <span style="font-style: italic;">Gipa-tambok gyud siguro ko karon – para kung mingawon mo ni Francis, mo tan-aw lang mo nako, nya ako, mo smile lang.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But I have always known that inside, we are very similar -- that is why we easily get on each others nerves. We are both an extrovert -- talkative and sociable. We have the wit and the humor. We are known to our friends for our patience, but we also have an explosive temper. I would like to think we are both courageous, out of the box, open to experiences, and defy-er of gravity. I think the biggest parenting challenges were only shared between Francis and me. He was once referred as the black sheep (the prodigal son) in the family, whereas I will always be the proud pink sheep. (Francis accepted and was proud of my pinkness too, he liked and forwarded my <a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-am-not-immoral-video-campaign-1.html">ImMoral </a>video to his friends!)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But Francis had changed a lot. My mother, my father, and even I were overwhelmingly surprised with the stories we have heard from you, from co-workers, friends, and students. I remember my Mom’s words when we were talking over breakfast, “Francis is really full of surprises, from conception till death.”<span style="font-style: italic;"> Na-shock man gud me kung unsa ka pinangga diay si Francis.</span> He has changed from black sheep to a brilliant white sheep (his coffin’s color is very appropriate… and the flowers. I was even joking that the flowers matches with the motif of the whole wake.)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So how did that happened? I am a psychologist by profession and I ask questions like, how does one change from black to white? I think the answer is not surprising to you… you’ve known this. I know it. In fact, Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a song about it:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">“Love, love changes everything, hands and faces, earth and sky. Love, love changes everything, how you live and how you die.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Love.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Over the past months, I reflected on Francis colorful life story. I learned that love expressed by the family, love expressed by a partner, a lover, and a wife, love expressed by friends, coworkers, and the community – changed him from black to white.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When Francis was in rehab, I remember my Dad and Mom diligently (without a miss) visited him every Sunday. I was 19 then, I was studying in Manila. I only visit home for the holidays. <span style="font-style: italic;">Siyempre, ang akong mindset kay vacation mode. </span>So, for an adolescent boy like me, every Saturday night is gimik night going home just before dawn. But on Sunday morning my Dad will always wake us all up so that we can visit Francis for Sunday lunch. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Dad’s unspoken rule: Bahala og kadlawon ni uli basta present for Sunday’s visit.)</span> And my Mom prepared the food and the baon every Sunday of that entire year.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I think that’s love. (Oh by the way, today is my Mom and Dad’s 39th wedding anniversary. Bittersweet but happy anniversary Mom and Dad!) Happily and with pride, because of love we survived and conquered the illness of drug addiction.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But fate has another big challenge for Francis and for us after 10 years – the big C. February of this year, a week before his 38th birthday, and when I was visiting Cebu for the weekend, Francis had a seizure. A few days later we discovered that it was due to a malignant tumor in his right brain. Francis was a determined warrior and so we geared up for the battle. My Mom was the source of strength whereas my Dad was the source of hope.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But typical of a Filipino family, we couldn’t have done it alone. My Lolo and Lola, titos and titas, cousins, and relatives here and abroad played major and important characters too. Imagine the expenses and the emotional highs and lows of four operations, radiation and chemotherapy, and 6 months in and out of the ICU/hospital. The enormous amount of financial and emotional support was generously given. I don’t think Francis would have lasted this long if not for their help. I don’t think we, the family, would have survived the battle too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So in behalf of the immediate family, we would like to say our sincerest THANK YOU… because we feel the love – I’m sure Francis did too. And because of it, we have been changed for good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">“Love makes fools of everyone, all the rules we make are broken… Yes love, love changes everyone… Live or perish, in its flame. Love will never, never let you be the same…”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">During rehab, I know Francis was very broken and jaded. But when he got out, I am very happy that he had another chance on romantic love. As a person who studies personality and romantic relationship and as a brother who witnessed his love life, trust me, Francis is passionate but he is NOT an easy partner too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But Lica, – you changed him and it made lot of difference to who he is now. I could just imagine how YOU picked up the pieces and I admire YOU for patching up the pieces. You were his safe haven and secure base. And you made me believe in wedding vows “to care for you in sickness and in health, to nurture you, and to grow with you throughout the seasons of life.” ACTIONS are indeed more important than words.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Lica, please remember, that no matter what happens, OHANA. I borrowed that from Lilo and Stich, it means, you are family.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So in behalf of my Mom and Dad, Francis’ brothers – Junjun, Mark and me. And I am sure Arav also feels the same way, we would like to say our heartfelt THANK YOU… because we feel the love too. And because of it, we have been changed for good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">”Yes, love, love changes everything, Brings you glory, brings you shame. Nothing in the world will ever be the same.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I never thought that one morning will make a lot of difference for Francis, for our family, and for a community. I just graduated from college and I came home from Manila. After rehab, my mom requested me to accompany my (during that time) thin, unconfident, and unusually quiet brother to talk to the dean of the College of Nursing in Southwestern University. And I think after this event, <span style="font-style: italic;">wala na gyud mi mag-away.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Nagsabot mi, sige ha, akoy istorya sa dean. Niya ikaw hilom lang ka. Atong ingnon na gikan ka nagbakasyon sa States for one year. Kung pangutan-on ka akoy tubag og kung kailangan patubagon gani ka, tubag ka pero pag-ininglis ha. Sus, perte nakong hadluka lagi. Strictahon og nawong baya to na babae na among ka istorya.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But we were successful with our plan because Francis got into the program. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was chance, I don’t know. But to that person I was talking that day, thank you for the chance because that changed a life, you changed a family, you changed a barkada, and you changed a community.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">In school, that was where he met Chad, Vanz, James, and the barkada. You shared your stories with us the other night. You mentioned how Francis had changed you. But with your friendship and love, he was changed too. Francis gained his confidence and groove back. He was the student governor during his senior year, became a well-loved clinical instructor, and graduated Masters in Nursing last March of 2010. Because of the love by his friends, coworkers, and SWU community, because of you guys, Francis changed and, in effect, changed us too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">When he was battling cancer, you and the whole community were our source determinism and hope -- from the benefit concert to the messages you left in Facebook, from your visits in the hospitals to the funny kulit stories you have shared. You made us realized that Francis was loved and I think that made it a lot easier for us to accept this ending.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">So to the barkada, to co-faculty members, to students, friends in school, the entire SWU community, we would like to say our THANK YOU… because we feel the love – I’m sure Francis did too. And because of it, we have been changed for good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">According to Mitch Albom, "Death doesn’t just take someone, it misses someone else. And in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I know now why people come to wakes and funerals. It is to be with the grieving family – to distract them somehow, to give them encouraging words and comfort, to share wonderful memories of the dead.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">To everyone who have shown all different kinds of support – from the flowers, to donations, baked goods, chocolates and food, prayers and masses, hugs and tears shared, texts, calls, YM and Facebook messages, Youtube videos tribute, your genuine sympathies, and if I forget about you I am so sorry but you all know who you are, your positive unconditional regard, your mere presence – for just being there. We say THANK YOU, because we feel the love – I’m sure Francis did too. And because of it, we have been changed for good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Thirty eight years is short but let us all learn and be inspired from Francis’ life story. Because of you, Francis changed, and in effect, I have been changed too. </span><br />
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</span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-57118737829068376422010-07-02T23:55:00.010+08:002010-07-03T01:26:01.285+08:00Evolution and Liberation<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" >This monologue was first performed last February 14, 2003 (Friday) at Gahum Philippines, 21 F Don Pedro Rodriguez St., Cebu City for the play Uwag og Gugma sa Bayot og Tomboy.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikqrFH3XqLo0tisSPrrr1_E7KxDEii5mlsveWY1LzkSxGUrWl8TaEjT93z4SvJ5zNYr22SQ1jy2sMxzGvWtiSrxmB0yE9vGDuJCrpwqep21YOKgQ7FYRz951gzm4PrT4mx6Yp3QVvDQFAD/s1600/rafi48.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 317px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikqrFH3XqLo0tisSPrrr1_E7KxDEii5mlsveWY1LzkSxGUrWl8TaEjT93z4SvJ5zNYr22SQ1jy2sMxzGvWtiSrxmB0yE9vGDuJCrpwqep21YOKgQ7FYRz951gzm4PrT4mx6Yp3QVvDQFAD/s320/rafi48.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5489359058684812082" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >There were two phases of my gay life -- before 18 and after 18.</span></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" > I know I was different ever since I had consciousness. Even before 18, I felt that I was a girl trapped in a man’s body.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Mahinhin ako. Pagirl ako. Miyat ako. </span><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Maria Clara </span>-- I used to idolized her when I was in high school.<br /><br />Before, when someone asked me how many siblings I have, I would say, <span style="font-style: italic;">“ I have three brothers, " </span>and with pride and a smile I continued by saying, "<span style="font-style: italic;">And I am the only girl in the family.” </span><br /><br />They just laughed. I just laughed too. This line actually reached my parents when I was in grade 5, during a parent-teacher conference.<br /><br />Of course, there were instances that I would lock myself in my room, get a blanket and wrap it around my body… and I would pretend that I am wearing a long beautiful gown. More of that story <a href="http://yawyawniteban.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-will-be-diva-i-will-be-queen.html">here</a>.<br /><br />I would say that those were my girly days. </span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" > I started having guy crushes when I was in grade 4! I dreamt about guys, I fantasized about guys, and, -- a bit embarrassed at that time -- I get sexually aroused with guys!<br /><br />I thought, <span style="font-style: italic;">"Isn't this crazy? Girls don’t get aroused- or at least they don’t get a hardy!"</span><br /><br />This hardy was clearly bothering me. And I started hating my willy for it keeps on popping up whenever I am with an attractive guy! And it feels so... unfeminine!<br /><br />I hate it. I would feel... yuck!<br /><br />I tried suppressing the feeling and kept it to myself. I would sit with my legs crossed and wear a tight underwear to hide my willy!</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" > My classmates also treated me like their muse in the class. And I like it too. Some classmates would pass some love notes and some would steal a kiss. Some wanted more. So, I had sexual encounters when I was a teen and as I recall, I am always submissive -- the girl, the giver.<br /><br />I wouldn’t undress. I was not comfortable with my body. Of course, I was slim but more conscious of my erected willy!<br /><br />So I refused to be touched. I would only give pleasure.<br /><br />Then it was over. The guy is spent. Done.<br /><br />And I thought that was love. Love?<br /><br />But, I thought love was supposed to make you happy. I wasn’t happy. I was sad, tired, dirty, and guilty.</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" > Eighteen. Manila. Jesuit education. Looking for true love. MIRC. Chatting. Eyeball. Baaaam --- paradigm shift!</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" > Ah…. Gay to gay relationship <span style="font-style: italic;">diay na!<br /><br /></span>Because of how I socialized with different gay men in Manila, I came to understand that the only person who will understand and love my gayness fully is also a gay person himself! If I fall in love with a straight guy, then the only sure thing that will happen to me is an empty pocket and a broken heart.<br /><br />At least there is hope for me. Hope for real love. Isn't that exciting?</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" > It took a while before I was out of the singles rat race. I shed some tears too. I was also burned. But I kept having hope on love and I wouldn’t allow myself to be jaded.<br /><br />One day, I met this guy in an audition. He was quiet and mysterious. I thought he was a snob at first. But he has captivating eyes! And when he dances, ugh, uber sexy!<br /><br />We became co-actors and we became friends. We talked a lot. After rehearsals, we talked while he walked me home.<br /><br />I was beginning to like him, so I asked, <span style="font-style: italic;">“Are you into gay to gay relationship? Or have you been involved with someone of the same sex?”</span><br /><br />He answered, <span style="font-style: italic;">“No.” </span><br /><br />Ok fine. He is straight! Next. It was a FAIL moment for me. </span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" > But, we became officemates for a theater company.<br /><br />We continued on talking until three in the morning. We washed dishes together. We shared our lowest and highest points of the day. We played five questions.<br /><br />But in my mind, I constantly questioned, is he into the kind of relationship that I want? I was gay and he was straight.<br /><br />Or so I thought.</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >One time in a training, we were having this activity called backstabbing -- we were to write on something beautiful or a compliment about that person on the paper placed on his back.<br /><br />I wrote in his… <span style="font-style: italic;">“I like you, saying di pwede.” </span><br /><br />I didn’t sign my name but eventually he found out that I was the one who wrote it.<br /><br />Then he said aloud to me when we were washing dishes, <span style="font-style: italic;">“who knows maybe this time pwede na.” </span><br /><br />Sheesh. I was so happy that I discreetly walked out of the room and shouted, <span style="font-style: italic;">“shyet, may pag-asa ako!”</span></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >A few days after, when we were talking and disclosing ourselves, he said that he would try this out.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"What?"</span> I tried to hide my excitement.<br /><br />I was shocked actually but I was so happy that I said yes.<br /><br />I would say that it was unplanned. But, I will never forget that day. It was already early morning -- around 3:23 am. It was a Wednesday in March. Then, he was the reason why I get up in the morning for work.</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Sex was different this time.<br /><br />I was still submissive at first and there was role playing. I still felt that was a girl. I was still conscious of body and my willy. But one night he wanted me to feel how it would feels like. He asked me to trust him. So I let him be.<br /><br />He touched, his caressed, he kissed. He made love to me.<br /><br />It was different. I enjoyed it this time. I was able to feel pleasure.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Naka-ingon gyud ko og, lami man diay. Ing-ani diay ni ang bayot? Lami man diay ma bayot!</span></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >I wasn’t conscious anymore of willy. And I thought, I do not need to be a girl anymore to feel pleasure, to feel love.<span style="font-style: italic;"> Ing-ani lang ko, happy na ko ani.</span><br /><br />One night, I told him, <span style="font-style: italic;">“You made me affirm and appreciate my sexuality. And thank you for that, my olive juice.”</span></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Twenty two months…</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><span style="font-style: italic;">Marami na rin nagbago. Marami na rin pinagdaanan. Marami na rin nangyari. </span><br /><br />We had our fair shares of rocks too -- lifestyle issues, ideology clashes, sexuality issues.<br /><br />One night we were watching a gay art film. The protagonist in the film died of AIDS. Another character was there with him until he died. They had this relationship what we psychologist call- companionnate love, the presence of intimacy (sharing and bonding) and commitment (the cognitive choice to stay together) but no passion, no physiological arousal or that feeling to be in union with the other -- meaning no sex.</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >It triggered a question in me. I asked him, <span style="font-style: italic;">“What kind of relationship do you want?” </span><br /><br />After a thought, he said that he preferred companionnate love.<br /><br />At that point in our relationship, I was insecure of his love. It was fairly invisible. Plus, over twenty two months, I sensed a guilt from him when we make love. So, I was disappointed and hurt, not because I cannot give it to him. I could try. But I admit, I am very sexual as a person.<br /><br />Then, it triggered other questions too.</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >If I were a girl, will you hold my hands in the mall?</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >If I were a girl, will you kiss me in public?</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >If I were a girl, will you marry me?</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"YES," </span> he answered. <span style="font-style: italic;">(Shyet, bilat na sad ang akong kontra!) </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Why?" </span>I asked.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"...because society permits it."</span> was his reply.</span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;" >I was quiet and I cried. </span></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br />I got hurt because even my own love discriminates me. I do not want my love to be hidden from the cruel and condemning world! Men and women flaunt ther love, why can’t gays flaunt theirs? Why can’t I shout to the world that I love him.<br /></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" ><br />The only vocation that God wants me to follow is to love others.<span style="font-style: italic;"> Magmahal ka.<br /><br /></span>I know that I have never loved anyone like this before. That is certain.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Magmahal ka. Babae man, o lalake. Tomboy o bakla. Basta kapag nagmahal ka, sapat na yun.<br /><br /></span><span>Basta ako, nagmamahal ako.</span><br /><br />I hope to get married someday... or a commitment ceremony at least to a guy who will love my full gayness! I will invite my friends, my family, and to anyone who will be there and give social support for our loving relationship.<br /><br />I dream that one day I will be able to hold hands with my partner in the mall. I wish that I will be able to kiss my lover in public. Ironically, I kiss my girlfriends goodbye in the cheek, but not my boyfriend.<br /><br />Maybe… someday. Somewhere...<br /><blockquote>There’s a place for us.<br />Somewhere there’s a place for us<br />Peace and quiet and open air<br />Wait for us, somewhere<br /><br />There’s a time for us.<br />Someday a time for us<br />Time together and time to spare<br />Time to learn and time to care<br /><br />Someday, somewhere<br />We’ll find a new way of living<br />We’ll find a new way of forgiving<br />Somewhere<br /><br />There’s a place for us<br />A time and a place for us<br />Hold my hand and we’re half way there<br />Hold my hand and I’ll take you there<br /><br />Somehow<br /><br />Someday<br /><br />Somewhere</blockquote>This is my story. This is my liberation. I am sharing it to you. Now, it's your turn.</span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-14741730307511895552010-05-21T01:47:00.020+08:002010-05-23T10:10:48.466+08:00Of Romantic Rejection and Pain<span></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKAMcAMg9zK8LFg3jY1RLIF8xLBjQEiErL3SxDD43TmiDEgrdOiOFK6svoAqFfA2uzYlxa0HjAhYqHG2LAt1sdblE6uJYTjUwLlcbHCcGsE226CYoN8ZxEMlo3V_JXSXUA0Xn3tpBn8tUQ/s1600/romantic+rejection.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 250px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKAMcAMg9zK8LFg3jY1RLIF8xLBjQEiErL3SxDD43TmiDEgrdOiOFK6svoAqFfA2uzYlxa0HjAhYqHG2LAt1sdblE6uJYTjUwLlcbHCcGsE226CYoN8ZxEMlo3V_JXSXUA0Xn3tpBn8tUQ/s320/romantic+rejection.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5473673623610916498" border="0" /></a><br /><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" ><blockquote></blockquote><blockquote style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Basha: Popoy, umuwi ka na!<br />Popoy: Mahal na mahal kita at ang sakit sakit na.<br />-- One More Chance (2007, Film)</blockquote><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Anyone who has loved and has been rejected can relate to Popoy’s pain. Some parting might be such a sweet sorrow, but according to Emily Dickenson, </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">“parting is all we need to know of hell.”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I have heard stories from clients and friends about the pain of being romantically rejected—when your romantic advancement is refused by another or when an existing romantic relationship (real or perceived) is ended. </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">Personally too, this is not foreign to me. I have been rejected—socially and romantically—a lot of times in my adult life.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">So, I wondered what science has to say about this and to my surprise this has been studied!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Anyone who has experienced heartache knows that the “ache” is not symbolic but real. In fact, a study has shown that emotional pain like being romantically rejected affects the same primary brain regions as that of physical pain.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Nathan DeWall and his colleagues from University of Kentucky looked into fMRI scans of volunteers who experienced rejection. </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">(Researchers manipulated a computer game so that some players feel excluded.) </span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Results showed an interesting discovery. The brain region associated with physical pain lit up. Thus, the brain experienced emotional pain just as real as it would if the body had been wounded.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">The researchers investigated further by asking if taking painkillers will also ease the emotional pain just as it will for physical pain. In a different study, volunteers were given 1000 milligram dose of acetaminophen—the active ingredient in Tylenol— every morning and night for three weeks while others took a placebo. Those who took the drug reported less emotional pain compared to those who did not. Thus, taking painkillers also relieves the emotional pain.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">So if you are broken-hearted, take a Tylenol and it will ease the pain.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">But we all know that coping with break-up or rejection is not that simple. Even the psychologists who did the study do not suggest popping Tylenol every time one feels broken-hearted. The drug taken frequently and in large doses has side effects on the liver.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Psychiatrists Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Iannon from the University of California in San Francisco think that when we are romantically rejected we undergo a psychobiological </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">(as it also involves neurochemicals in the brain) </span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">process of two phases: protest phase and resignation/despair phase. Taking Tylenol makes that brain region associated with physical pain NOT light up but it will not allow one to skip the process.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">During the protest phase, the abandoned lover will try everything to win their sweetheart back. We obsessively dissect all aspects of the relationship, establish what went wrong, and strategize on how to rekindle the romance. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist by profession but had studied romantic interpersonal attraction for more than 30 years, calls this frustration aggression–when the romantic love is spoiled, the lover just loves harder.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Another characteristic of protest is what Psychologist Reid Meloy calls abandonment rage. We know that sometimes it is easier to move on when we are angry with our ex-lovers. But, why do we hate someone we loved? </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">“Perhaps because it enables jilted lovers to extricate themselves from dead end love affairs so that they can renew the vital courting process sooner,”</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"> Helen Fisher hypothesized.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Over time, we give up and we enter the stage of hopelessness, resignation, and despair. We cry, lie in bed, stare into space, drink, forget to take care of self and become ugly (inside and out). Elizabeth Gilbert—author of Eat, Pray, and Love—said that we know we have reached romantic rejection’s final destination when we have completely and mercilessly devaluated our self.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Some broken-hearted lovers are hopeful and resilient (and romantics!) that they are able to dust themselves off and redirect their energy to fall in love again. But some broken-hearted lovers suffer from clinical depression, die from heart attacks or strokes, or commit suicides.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I think these findings have school, work, or organizational implications. With mixture of pain, frustration aggression, rage, hopelessness, and despair one experience during romantic rejection, I advocate that organizations should excuse or set days for emotional sick leaves. Parents, teachers, siblings, friends, and bosses should take romantic rejections and heartaches seriously because we know and have experienced that unrequited love decreases concentration, energy, motivation, and performance.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">If an employee gets sick, one gets a medical certificate from a medical doctor to prove that he or she was sick, and is also given a certificate of fitness to work. I propose that if an employee experiences romantic rejection (or any social rejection), one gets a certificate from a psychologist (like me) to ensure his or her mental health and psychological well-being.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">So are you broken-hearted? Take a Tylenol and call me in the morning.</span><br /><blockquote style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">"How cruel, you say. But did I not warn you? Shall I count for you love's ways? Fear, jealousy, revenge -- pain. They all belong to love's innocent game." </blockquote><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">These words from a Celtic legend Tristan and Iseult survived for centuries. Now, I agree that the only sure thing about loving is pain. But still I wonder, even if it is painful-- when love goes wrong -- people work, write, sing, dance, travel overseas </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;">(wink here)</span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">, sacrifice, kill, and die for love. Romeo Montague of Verona was right,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: trebuchet ms;"><blockquote>"Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn."</blockquote></span><br /><br /></span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-11121361259242335372010-05-02T23:04:00.005+08:002014-06-22T23:39:40.962+08:00The Joy of Being a Counseling Psychologist<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI4t96o7sPC7OeDzzCxX4CaewocbQuGzmkO4YlZg9I5vkyM79Ih0Q7pzU4tfV_iQ2r3q8B4ifAiOb8vxa4MGe4zL8elgJv-vnEAjssCoR34qOlyk4JAQ1Oiq9s8fjPNvdOI8KTyK0TXr0Y/s1600/papercrane.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI4t96o7sPC7OeDzzCxX4CaewocbQuGzmkO4YlZg9I5vkyM79Ih0Q7pzU4tfV_iQ2r3q8B4ifAiOb8vxa4MGe4zL8elgJv-vnEAjssCoR34qOlyk4JAQ1Oiq9s8fjPNvdOI8KTyK0TXr0Y/s1600/papercrane.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Ruel (not his real name) is a 12 year old boy who was referred to me for therapy a few months ago. He is quiet, shy, and slow to warm up kid. When you ask him a question, he answers by saying one or two words or by moving his shoulders up and down, then, he continues with whatever he is doing.<br /><br />Unlike my other clients who are willing to tell stories about themselves, Ruel is very private. Thus, one of my biggest hurdle with Ruel is to build rapport and trust between me and him. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">There were sessions we did play and expressive arts therapy. But, I think I hit a jackpot in rapport building when he taught me how to make a crane and a tulip origami.<br /><br />That afternoon, I took some scratch papers and coloring pens and I asked him to draw. But, he did not finish his drawing, instead, he started folding the papers. At first, I was just quiet and I observed (hoping that I can get a glimpse of his personality). But as soon as I realized he was making a paper crane, right there and then, I asked him to teach me.<br /><br />And gladly, he did. Step by step, I followed the way he folded the paper. Sometimes, I asked him to slow down and I also questioned the steps if I was confused. </span></span><span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I was an excited student because I was dying to learn how to make a paper crane since I saw Prison Break. =)</span></span><span style="font-size: 100%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">But in the end, I learned to make a paper crane and a tulip! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">You see, Ruel was referred to me for specific reasons. And sometimes, it is frustrating because, at that time, we were faaaar from discussing what he was referred to me for.<br /><br />I do make plans before I meet up with him, but, these plans are usually not followed. There are times that when he goes inside the room, I just allow him to do what he wants to do. Sometimes, I feel embarrassed to the supporting organization because I think I might not be able to give a concrete behavioral report of his progress.<br /><br />But, if you read my therapy progress reports, I have a good sense of his phenomenology, I have hypotheses for it, and I have recommendations too. But you see, sometimes, we want results right away, and results mean changes in behavior/s Ruel was referred too.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">There was one session before we were about to break for Christmas. With papers and pen in front of him, Ruel started writing letters. And I consider this as a breakthrough!<br /><br />Letters are perfect data of what is happening in his phenomenology! Plus, I was so happy as he opened himself through these short letters.<br /><br />I was feeling creative too that I asked him a favor. I asked him to write another letter. This time, the letter should be addressed to me. I told him that I will also write a letter addressed to him. My hidden agenda for that moment was to fish for his ideas of me and these therapy sessions.<br /><br />When we were both finished writing our letters. I read aloud my letter to him.</span></span><br />
<blockquote style="font-style: italic;">
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Dear Ruel,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I really really want to know you more. And part of it is for you to tell me stories about yourself. But do not to be afraid to tell your stories to me. Only tell what you are comfortable in sharing. But always remember that I will be here for you whatever these stories are.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Also, our next meeting will be a month from now since I will go home to Cebu for the holidays. Be good when I am away. Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Ruel.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Always,</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Niel</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Ruel was to shy to read aloud his letter to me. So I read it quietly. I am editing some parts for confidentiality but one line in his letter paid off my long travels from Philcoa, Quezon City to La Paz, Makati City every Tuesday:</span><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;"></span></span><br />
<blockquote style="font-style: italic;">
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Dear Nil…</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">…marami salamat sa sayo dahil ako ay nag iba para sayo.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Ruel (and he drew two faces, </span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">one he labeled as me </span><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">and the other him.) </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">I was so surprised! Whoah, wait?!?! What did I do? I thought I might not have done anything concrete, but somehow my presence affected him. If I did not see Ruel writing the whole note in front of me, I would have thought someone else had written it. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">Carl Rogers would have been so proud of me and I am happy and proud of myself too. =)</span> <span style="font-family: trebuchet ms;">This is the reward of what I do. This is the joy of being a counseling psychologist. </span></span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-43820287129379543082010-04-12T23:17:00.009+08:002010-04-13T23:20:50.645+08:00Why is Homosexuality NOT Abnormal?<span></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ1b8OjhHU9aB0MgGZk8xHezpPj_g_wVpykcEYPaYAh2RfCu6WwBFzMYBe4-ZhcnekgTJVhl-K_XKnpLjxRry5tlXYZ76tleSVX2MCdaT8zKDat9DldKV5neAyEUg4QNIwi-rRvWB_EG7g/s1600/comingout1010.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 154px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ1b8OjhHU9aB0MgGZk8xHezpPj_g_wVpykcEYPaYAh2RfCu6WwBFzMYBe4-ZhcnekgTJVhl-K_XKnpLjxRry5tlXYZ76tleSVX2MCdaT8zKDat9DldKV5neAyEUg4QNIwi-rRvWB_EG7g/s320/comingout1010.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5459275512054174674" border="0" /></a><br />T<span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">he Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) Public Affairs head Bishop Deogracias Iniguez expressed disappointment over the recent decision of the Supreme Court (SC) allowing LGBTI rights group <span style="font-weight: bold;">Ang Ladlad </span>to participate in the party-list elections this May. He said,</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><blockquote>“We recognize them, respect them, but their situation is an abnormality. Allowing them to have a chance to take a seat in Congress is approving and encouraging an abnormality which is unnatural.</blockquote></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I do not understand what he means by abnormality. After all, abnormality depends on what normal means. But as a psychologist— a scientist who studies normal and/or abnormal human behavior and mental processes, <span style="font-weight: bold;">HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT ABNORMAL.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But what constitutes something as psychologically abnormal or not? How do psychologists distinguish abnormal behavior from normal behavior?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The concept of abnormality is very imprecise and difficult to define. Criteria have been set, but, what at first sight may seem quite reasonable definitions, it turns out to be quite problematic.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Deviation from the Average</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The assumption is that, whatever occurs most frequently in the population is seen as normal and abnormality is seen as those that occur least frequently. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Mosher, Chandra, and Jones (2005) in a US study found that 90% of men aged 18-44 considered themselves to be heterosexual, 2.3% as homosexual, 1.8% as bisexual, and 3.9% as something else. Among women aged 18-44 in the same survey, 90% said they were heterosexual, 1.3% homosexual, 2.8% bisexual, and 3.8% as something else. CNN exit polls during the US 2008 presidential election showed 4% of the voting population self-identified as gay, lesbian, and bisexual.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The Young Adult Fertility Survey (YAFS) conducted in the Philippines reported that 17% of Filipino youths aged 15-25 admitted to having been attracted to the same sex in 1994, whereas 7% admitted to having a crush on someone of the same sex in 2002.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Indeed, homosexuality is statistically rare, however, there is an obvious flaw. If we use this criterion, ethnic and racial minorities would then be deemed “abnormal”. There are about 60 ethnic minority groups in the Philippines that continue to exist and practice their traditional customs. We recognize the aetas, we respect the aetas, but, because they are less frequent in the population, do we say they are abnormal?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Deviation from Ideal Mental Health</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The assumption here is that anyone who does not possess the qualities to function normally in society is in one way or another abnormal.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Homosexuality was once thought to be a mental illness because mental health professionals and society had biased information. In the past, the studies of gay, lesbian, and bisexual people involved only those in therapy, thus, biasing the resulting conclusions.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But when researchers examined data of people who were not in therapy, the idea that homosexuality was a mental illness was quickly found to be untrue. Evelyn Hooker (1957) illustrated this by comparing heterosexual and homosexual men who were functioning normally in the society. She concluded that the two groups did not differ significantly in terms of their psychological adjustment.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Almost more than 35 years ago, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (American Psychiatric Association, 1980), a decision that has been strongly supported by the American Psychological Association or APA (2004).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">Homosexuality is NOT a mental illness and is NOT an abnormal aspect of human sexuality.</span> </span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">There have been no reliable researches on homosexual orientation impairing cognitive abilities (Tuttle & Pillard, 1991), psychological well-being and self-esteem (Coyle, 1993; Herek, 1990; Savin-Williams, 1990), and overall psychological functioning (Gonsiorek, 1991 ; Pillard, 1988; Rothblum, 1994).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I quote APA’s stand on lesbians, gays, and bisexual people:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><blockquote>Research has found no inherent association between any of these sexual orientations and psychopathology. Both heterosexual behavior and homosexual behavior are normal aspects of human sexuality. Both have been documented in many different cultures and historical eras. Despite the persistence of stereotypes that portray lesbian, gay, and bisexual people as disturbed, several decades of research and clinical experience have led all mainstream medical and mental health organizations in this country to conclude that these orientations represent normal forms of human experience. Lesbian, gay, and bisexual relationships are normal forms of human bonding. Therefore, these mainstream organizations long ago abandoned classifications of homosexuality as a mental disorder. (APA, 2008) </blockquote></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Subjective Discomfort</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The assumption here is if a person's thoughts or behaviors are causing them personal discomfort or unhappiness, then they will be considered abnormal.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This is very ironic. In my professional and personal encounters with LGBT clients and friends, I have observed that one feels distressed when one is still confused and has not fully accepted his or her sexual orientation. They also report fears of being rejected by family, friends, co-workers, and religious institutions because of their sexual orientation. These counseling experiences are supported by empirical researches. Studies have shown that exposure to prejudice and discrimination based on sexual orientation may cause a homosexual person acute distress (Mays & Cochran, 2001; Meyer, 2003).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Coming out—the process of being aware and acknowledging of one’s sexual orientation, is difficult for other LGBTs, but, not for some. When coming out is successful, one reports a sense of happiness. A perfect example is the recent coming out story of the pop singer and actor Ricky Martin. He shared his struggles in the closet and his sense of happiness as he proudly announced he is a homosexual man.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" ><blockquote>“… the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside…<br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn't even know existed.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">What will happen from now on? It doesn't matter. I can only focus on what's happening to me in this moment. The word "happiness" takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.”</span></blockquote></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Maladaptive to One Self and to the Society.</span><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">The assumption here is that the abnormal behavior is counter-productive to the individual and disrupts and hurts the lives of others.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Is being lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender self damaging? Look around you, we are everywhere and we are NOT maladaptive! We are honor students, inspiring teachers, talented designers, successful engineers, artistic directors, exceptional performers, loving parents, passionate lovers, and best friends. Our sexual orientation was never a hindrance to reach our goals in life. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Did it disrupt and hurt the lives of others? Maybe occasionally, our loudness irritated some <span style="font-style: italic;">pikon</span> homophobic men and women, but, also consider how much stress an LGBT person had to endure like chronic daily hassles (e.g. hearing anti-gay jokes, always being on guard to a closeted individuals) and negative gay relevant life events (e.g., rejection by family, friends, and co-workers, anti-gay violence, and discrimination due to sexual orientation). Western researches have shown that LGBTs are at risk for mental health problems (Meyer, 1995) and emotional distress (Ross, 1990) as a direct result of discrimination and negative experiences in society.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >So my dear, Bishop Deogracias Iniguez, careful with what you wish for, because it could be your heterosexism thinking that could potentially disrupt and hurt the lives of others. </span><br /><br /></span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-42322495901305026172010-04-11T14:46:00.010+08:002010-04-16T18:26:40.776+08:00Why Ang Ladlad?<span></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRi6r0FUdPrKCZc1qEuIr8jxJmAGP7_JIcGK5F4biQdlLLv3V1ibO_H2_lRbo1V1kjhMuSD8_BRwX0GbBS7Qu7cUrDif7PxeYO8EV4SiyQiPt8xEd05eQl1jIXY6kbpDDqty5bGm81YW3g/s1600/ladlad2.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRi6r0FUdPrKCZc1qEuIr8jxJmAGP7_JIcGK5F4biQdlLLv3V1ibO_H2_lRbo1V1kjhMuSD8_BRwX0GbBS7Qu7cUrDif7PxeYO8EV4SiyQiPt8xEd05eQl1jIXY6kbpDDqty5bGm81YW3g/s320/ladlad2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5458769789453486866" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Nasa balota na, mga pangalan</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">ng party list pagpipilian</span><br /></span></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Last Thursday, April 8, 2010, the 15-member Philippine Supreme Court unanimously decided that <span style="font-weight: bold;">Ang Ladlad</span> - a network of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and intersexual Filipinos, and their heterosexual supporters, can run for party-list elections for Congress on May 10, 2010.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">This is historical for pro-LGBTI movement here in the Philippines because if <span style="font-weight: bold;">Ang Ladlad</span> will get the 2% threshold of the total votes casts, they can be represented in Congress up to a maximum of three seats. Ang Ladlad has five nominees: <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Bemz Benedito</span> (MA Sociology, Ateneo de Manila University, Lecturer-Researcher), <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Germaine Leonin </span>(Lawyer, UP College of Law), <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Cris Lopera </span>(NGO leader and officer from Mindanao), <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Naomi Fontanos </span>(MA Education, UP Diliman, Lecturer, Open University), <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Dexter Macaldo</span> (Media Officer)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">One would ask, “Why will I vote for Ang Ladlad?”</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">You don’t have to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or intersexual to vote for <span style="font-weight: bold;">Ang Ladlad</span>. If you believe and support the following reasons, <span style="font-style: italic;">itiman, i-shade ang loob ng bilog na hugis itlog. </span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">1. If you support the Anti-Discrimination Bill that gives LGBTI Filipinos equal opportunities in employment and equal treatment in schools, hospitals, restaurants, hotels, entertainment centers, and government offices and support for the Anti-Discrimination Bill, then <span style="font-weight: bold;">vote for #89—Ang Ladlad Party List.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">2. If you think setting up of micro-finance and livelihood projects can help poor and handicapped LGBTI Filipinos, then <span style="font-weight: bold;">vote for #89—Ang Ladlad Party List.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">3. If you believe in re-filing a law, the Anti-Vagrancy Law, that has been used by unscrupulous policemen to extort bribes from gay men without ID cards, then <span style="font-weight: bold;">vote for #89—Ang Ladlad Party List.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">4. If you believe that there should be centers that offer legal aid and counseling, as well as information about LGBTI issues, HIV-AIDS, and reproductive health and homes for old and abandoned LGBTIs, as well as young ones driven out of their homes, in the key cities/metropolitan areas of the Philippines -- Baguio, National Capital Region, Cebu and Davao, then vote for <span style="font-weight: bold;">#89—Ang Ladlad Party List.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I am gay and I am one of the few lucky and fortunate Filipinos who have a loving family, accepting friends, and supportive co-workers irregardless of my sexual orientation. But there are thousands of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders, and intersexuals who are fighters and survivors of homophobia and discrimination.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For the future of your LGBTI brothers or sisters, sons or daughters, <span style="font-style: italic;">ang bilog, ang bilog, sa tapat ng #<span style="font-weight: bold;">89—Ang Ladlad Party List</span>, ‘yan ang dapat nating markahan.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For the future of your LGBTI nephews, nieces, cousins, and relatives, <span style="font-style: italic;">ang bilog, ang bilog, sa tapat ng <span style="font-weight: bold;">#89—Ang Ladlad Party List</span>, ‘yan ang dapat nating markahan.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For the future of your LGBTI friends, frenemies, BFFs, lovers, exes, almost lovers, <span style="font-style: italic;">ang bilog, ang bilog, sa tapat ng <span style="font-weight: bold;">#89—Ang Ladlad Party List</span>, ‘yan ang dapat nating markahan.</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For me, <span style="font-style: italic;">ang bilog, ang bilog, sa tapat ng <span style="font-weight: bold;">#89—Ang Ladlad Party List</span>, ‘yan ang dapat nating markahan.</span></span><br /><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Gets mo ba? Gets ko na!</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Gets na gets na talaga!</span></span><br /></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/aqXUd6l0jZI&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/aqXUd6l0jZI&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-54212413024866206272010-04-03T14:43:00.019+08:002010-05-21T19:11:46.224+08:00Sexual Orientation & Sexual Identity: A Response<span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" >Ayan, a 16 year old college student, wrote to Migs, <a style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);" href="http://manilagayguy.net/">manilagayguy.net</a>. Migs posted Ayan’s letter last December 27 titled:<span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);"> <a style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);" href="http://manilagayguy.net/2009/12/27/straight-ako-when-i-was-in-high-school-but-now/"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);">“Straight ako when I was in high school, but now…”</span></a> </span><a style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);" href="http://manilagayguy.net/2009/12/27/straight-ako-when-i-was-in-high-school-but-now/"><br /></a><br />Migs asked me to give my opinion as a counseling psychologist. My response was published in the same website on March 29, 2010 titled: <span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);">“</span><a style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);" href="http://manilagayguy.net/2010/03/29/counseling-psychologist-responds-to-ayan/">Counseling Psychologists Responds to Ayan</a><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);">”</span>. I asked Migs if I can repost it in my blog. He said yes. So here it is. Read on. =)<br /><br />* * * *<br /><br /><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Hi Migs!</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >I am fond of reading your blog.</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >I am Ayan. Straight ako when I was in high school, I’m sure of that. Marami akong naging girlfriend nun. Until one time, I need to have a tutorial in Math because of my low grades. So, I went to my tutor’s apartment at around 6pm. He is one of the best math teachers in my school by that time, but he didn’t handle our class. I am well-known in our school, that’s why he offered me his help.</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Malakas ung ulan nung gabing nun, I didn’t bring my umbrella so I got wet. When I entered his apartment, he told me to take off my clothes— baka daw sipunin ako. Hinubad ko naman kasi ok lang naman siguro un parehas naman kaming lalake, walang malisya un.</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Instead of reviewing, nagkwentuhan lang kami.Nakaupo kami sa kama niya then he asked me to turn off the lights, nagtaka ako kung bakit. I didn’t turn it off. Sabi nia sa kin wala daw mangyayari kung hindi ko papatayin ung ilaw. Nagtaka na talaga ako and I decided to go home pero sabi niya wag muna daw, malakas pa ung ulan. So, I stayed.</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Nagjoke siya tapos tawa kami ng tawa, then he started to bite my ears tapos ung lips niya umabot na sa neck ko and he kissed it. I begin to feel uncomfortable, dinaganan niya ko tapos hinalikan niya ko on my face, then lips, pababa until he lick and suck my cock. I don’t know what to do. I tried to stop him, pero nakadagan siya sa kin. Gusto ko sumigaw pero iniisip ko na nakakahiya sa mga tao if they knew why I am shouting…</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >I dont have any idea about gay sex that time. Hindi ko un nagustuhan. I was the only one naked, kaya I immediately took my shirt and pants. I told him that I will go home. pagkauwi ko, nagshower ako agad. Parang nandidiri ako. I keep it as a secret, kasi nahihiya ako sa outcome kapag nagsumbong ako baka kumalat. I noticed na maraming kiss mark ung leeg ko. Kinabukasan, napansin un lahat ng classmates ko. Sabi ko allergy. pero sabi nila chikinini daw. This happened 3 years ago.</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Nasalubong ko si sir sa corridor, then nagsorry siya sa kin. Nabigla lang daw siya. I accepted his apology. From then on, hindi ko na siya kinausap o kaya pinansin. kung dati nalilibugan ako sa babae, ngayon parang sa lalake na. Naging habit ko na ung panunuod ng gay porn. Pinigilan ko ung sarili ko but I cant control it.</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Hindi ko alam kung ano na ko ngayon, there is confusion. I am now 16 years old, a 1st year college student in a prominent university. Parang nagbago ung buhay ko, hindi na ko lumalabas ng nakahubad or nakasando.naiilang na rin ako sa mga lalakeng nakahubad. siguro na-trauma ako sa mga nangyari. Even my closest friends don’t know about this experience. Nakikipagchat ako ngayon with the same sex…flirt. I don’t know if I’m into relationship, malay natin…</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Thanks Migz for letting me share my story. God bless you.</span><span style=";font-family:verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br /></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >- Ayan</span><br /><br />* * * *<br /><br />Hi Ayan.<br /><br />I am Niel and I am a friend of Migs. Migs forwarded your letter to me so that your concerns will be properly addressed. I am a counseling psychologist by profession and I hope you do not mind if I answer some of your questions.<br /><br />Ayan, having the courage to share your story is very commendable. Stories of sexual abuse are often kept in silence with more men than women keeping it a secret.<br /><br />Story-telling has psychological benefits for the storyteller and the listener (or reader). For the story-teller, it allows one to organize and integrate thoughts and feelings, and in turn, facilitates a sense of predictability and control over one’s life and a temporary emotional resolution. For the reader, it gives us a sense of connection and understanding of the experience. Most importantly for those readers who are hiding in the closet with the same secret, it gives one a sense of <span style="font-style: italic;">“kadamay” </span>since sexual abuse is one of many painful and potentially traumatic experiences that a human being may suffer in childhood.<br /><br />While I was reading your letter, I felt the discomfort, the <span style="font-style: italic;">“hiya”</span>, the <span style="font-style: italic;">“diri”,</span> and the shame when your classmates teased you of the kiss marks you had. Although you ended the letter with a sense of temporary relief by disclosing your story, I sensed the confusion and questions about your sexual identity.<br /><br />So you questioned if the abuse was the reason for your homosexual desires?<br /><br />The answer is not that simple. Sexual abuse has negative effects but it depends on a variety of factors. But international clinical case studies have shown that long term effects of sexual abuse are related to confusion and distress about their sexuality and to the development of sexual identity.<br /><br />In these studies, survivors reported being confused about their sexual orientation (Nasjleti, 1980; Dimock, 1988; Lew, 1988; Myers, 1989; Gilgun & Reiser, 1990), reported fear that the sexual abuse has caused or will cause them to become homosexual (Nasjleti, 1980; Finkelhor, 1984; Dimock, 1988; Gilgun & Reiser, 1990; Lew, 1988; Myers, 1989), and expressed homophobia – having negative attitudes and feelings towards homosexuality and to people who identified or perceived to be homosexual.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Personally though, I hypothesize that child sexual abuse interferes (nakakadiskaril) with sexual identity development but, on the other hand, I also believe that it does NOT doom people to live in unconventional sexual lives and identities.<br /><br /></span><br />Maybe at this point, it is good to define, clarify, and differentiate sexuality terms like sexual orientation and sexual identity.<br /><br />Sexual orientation refers to a pattern of romantic attraction <span style="font-style: italic;">(who do you fall in love with?)</span>, sexual attraction <span style="font-style: italic;">(who do you have erotic desires and sexual contact with?),</span> and commitment to monogamous romantic and sexual relationship <span style="font-style: italic;">(who do you have relationships with?).</span> Usually, sexual orientation has three categories: heterosexual <span style="font-style: italic;">(to the opposite sex)</span>, homosexual <span style="font-style: italic;">(to same sex),</span> and bisexual <span style="font-style: italic;">(to both sexes) </span>with these orientations existing along a continuum that ranges from exclusive heterosexual to exclusive homosexual, including various forms of bisexuality in-between (American Psychological Association).<br /><br />So I would like for you to imagine a scale from 1 to 7: 1 means exclusively to the opposite sex, 4 means equal amount of in both sexes, and 7 means exclusively to the same sex.<br /><br />In your letter, you described that you are experiencing sexual attractions with the same sex <span style="font-style: italic;">“Kung dati nalilibugan ako sa babae, ngayon parang sa lalake na. Naging habit ko na ung panunuod ng gay porn… naiilang na rin ako sa mga lalakeng nakahubad”<br /><br /></span>So if you are to rate yourself from 1 to 7 in terms of sexual attraction, what will be your answer? I guess it will be a 5 or 6.<br /><br />Now, also think about your rating on the other two components. You did not mention about who you will fall in love with but you are open to experiences of possible same sex love <span style="font-style: italic;">“Nakikipagchat ako ngayon with the same sex… flirt” and relationships “I don’t know if I’m into relationship, malay natin…”</span><br /><br />See, knowing one’s sexual orientation is not just simple categorization!<br /><br />This confusion is actually developmentally appropriate for an adolescent boy like you. And as you grow older and in the next few years </span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-style: italic;">(or even months!)</span></span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" >, you will learn who you will fall in love with and who you will commit to. The American Psychological Association added, <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">“some people believe that sexual orientation is innate and fixed; however, sexual orientation develops across a person’s lifetime”.</span><br /><br />On the other hand, sexual identity is really a comprehensive process of subjective self definition as heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, gay, lesbian, queer, undecided, bi-curious, or asexual! It involves one’s biological sex, sexual orientation, gender identity <span style="font-style: italic;">(the innermost sense of being a male or female)</span>, gender roles <span style="font-style: italic;">(the socially acceptable behaviors assigned to males, like being masculine, and females, like being feminine)</span>, and other factors like defining one’s sexual needs, values, and preferences for sexual activities. Sometimes, one’s sexual identity may or may not match one’s sexual orientation! Closeted individuals are sometimes referred to people who have a homosexual sexual orientation but may define themselves as heterosexuals.<br /><br />Although, personally, I believe that there is an inherent biological component in sexual orientation but it is also your future experiences, preferences, and choices that will shape your sexual identity.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Ayan, although we are sexual beings, we are more than our sexual identities. </span>You are 16 years old and one major developmental task you need to accomplish is to establish a sense of self in which your past (including the abuse), present (being a student in a prominent university), and future (the goals you have for yourself) are integrated.<br /><br />If you need to talk about what happened and if you need someone to help you make sense of your sexual identity and your self-concept in general, do not hesitate to ask Migs for my contact information. I believe what Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to public office in California, said, <span style="font-style: italic;">“All young people, regardless of sexual orientation or identity, deserve a safe and supportive environment in which to achieve their full potential.”</span><br /><br />God bless you too.<br />Niel</span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-45927755645130526072010-02-01T14:09:00.000+08:002010-04-03T14:10:39.097+08:00I am NOT immoral Video Campaign 2<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/f8COBl3viNA&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/f8COBl3viNA&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-47374105643091634342010-02-01T14:05:00.000+08:002010-04-03T14:08:59.839+08:00I am NOT immoral Video Campaign 1<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/EQ6r1ri8gNw&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/EQ6r1ri8gNw&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-35998061692161416262009-11-26T00:37:00.003+08:002009-12-08T03:56:04.322+08:00imMORAL<span style="font-size:0;"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZrDn9VNMKH6t7lM_V02Zgo95bS-LDSJfLCAAN-BvwD7ioFWuTFfcLTuk6o7J3aEDSgzeDfZT30-mbHU5khbp3DPKH4xQ3tFYisUrIokhNYf8DQGR50SxEzgYRW1zqelZOK4jtx9S6pbG3/s1600/maguidanao+massacre+is+immoral.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408081509443428306" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 348px; CURSOR: pointer; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZrDn9VNMKH6t7lM_V02Zgo95bS-LDSJfLCAAN-BvwD7ioFWuTFfcLTuk6o7J3aEDSgzeDfZT30-mbHU5khbp3DPKH4xQ3tFYisUrIokhNYf8DQGR50SxEzgYRW1zqelZOK4jtx9S6pbG3/s400/maguidanao+massacre+is+immoral.jpg" border="0" /></a>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-13661692373887540332009-11-25T19:21:00.009+08:002009-12-08T03:55:28.943+08:00I am NOT a "threat to the youth"!<span> </span>
<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >"Kung mag-uwan, bayot pasanginlan.</span><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Kung mag-bagyo, bayot pasanginlan.</span><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Kung mag-linog, bayot pasanginlan.</span><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Bayot, bayot, bayot...</span><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Unsay tan-aw ninyo namo...</span><span style="font-size:100%;">
<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" >Gamhanan?"</span>
<br /></div>
<br /></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I am stunned, hurt, and angry at the Commission of Elections’ (COMELEC) decision to disqualify Ang Ladlad - a gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) organization for party - list accreditation for the 2010 national elections on the grounds of <span style="font-style: italic;">"sexual immorality that offends religious beliefs"</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">“not compromising the well-being of the greater number of the Filipino people, especially the youth”</span> because <span style="font-style: italic;">"older practicing homosexuals are a threat to the youth."</span></span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">A lot of articles and positions have been written about the breach of the secular-religious divide. But only few, if none, argued about the “painfully obsolete ideas” –<span style="font-style: italic;"> borrowing Danton Remoto’s words </span>– that homosexuals are a threat to the youth.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">As a psychologist and as an LGBT researcher and counselor, this part crushed my heart the most. I am gay. I knew and accepted my gayness since I was 10 years old. If that was the birth of my homosexual identity, then I am already a 20 year old “practicing homosexual”. Now, I feel accused of being a threat to the youth.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But what does it mean to be a threat to the youth?</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">COMELEC added in a footnote, <span style="font-style: italic;">"The State recognizes the vital role of the youth in nation-building and shall promote and protect their physical, moral, spiritual, intellectual and social well-being."</span></span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Almost more than 35 years ago, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (American Psychiatric Association, 1980), a decision that has been strongly supported by the American Psychological Association or APA (2004).</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Homosexuality is NOT a mental illness and is NOT an abnormal aspect of human sexuality. There have been no reliable researches on homosexual orientation impairing psychological functioning. In fact, what researches have shown is exposure to prejudice and discrimination based on sexual orientation may cause a homosexual person acute distress (Mays & Cochran, 2001; Meyer, 2003).</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I quote APA’s stand on lesbians, gays, and bisexual people:
<br /></span></span><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Cpc%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Trebuchet MS"; panose-1:2 11 6 3 2 2 2 2 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style=";font-family:";font-size:100%;" ><blockquote> <span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Research has found no inherent association between any of these sexual orientations and psychopathology. Both heterosexual behavior and homosexual behavior are normal aspects of human sexuality. Both have been documented in many different cultures and historical eras. Despite the persistence of stereotypes that portray lesbian, gay, and bisexual people as disturbed, several decades of research and clinical experience have led all mainstream medical and mental health organizations in this country to conclude that these orientations represent normal forms of human experience. Lesbian, gay, and bisexual relationships are normal forms of human bonding. Therefore, these mainstream organizations long ago abandoned classifications of homosexuality as a mental disorder. (APA, 2008)</span><o:p></o:p> </blockquote><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWJQsrOjB3lP9qalHJrqLvTcVWyqzpLlhrRiP5afrd2ym8xq8VlMU33O_d7kcNzxP9fWWW4sEz8UvuRFG4KNmF_xEVs98qw17Xku9xIJ4RJZPr8asFlOXyMal0K2-ULc_-bBJEOGNO5ZBA/s1600/gay_parenting.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWJQsrOjB3lP9qalHJrqLvTcVWyqzpLlhrRiP5afrd2ym8xq8VlMU33O_d7kcNzxP9fWWW4sEz8UvuRFG4KNmF_xEVs98qw17Xku9xIJ4RJZPr8asFlOXyMal0K2-ULc_-bBJEOGNO5ZBA/s400/gay_parenting.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408004813317576674" border="0" /></a>Nakakahawa ba ako? Nakakahawa ba ang pagka-bading, like an AH1N1 virus? </span>Do I turn someone’s sexual orientation to homosexual by just being or interacting with me?</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I grew up with heterosexual parents and three heterosexual brothers. How come their sexuality did not turn me heterosexual? Unfortunately, <span style="font-style: italic;">(or more fortunately for me because I can not imagine myself having a heterosexual life)</span>, heterosexuality is NOT contagious. And since heterosexuality and homosexuality are in the same continuum, homosexuality is ALSO NOT contagious.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Studies on same sex parenting and their children have shown that sexual identities (including gender identity, gender-role behavior, and sexual orientation) develop in much the same way among children of same sex parents as they do among children of opposite sex parents (Patterson, 2000, 2004a; Perrin, 2002; Tasker, 1999).</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">In terms of gender identity <span style="font-style: italic;">(Ano ba ako, babae, lalake, o di tiyak?)</span>, children of same sex parents reported that they were happy with their gender and that they had no wish to be a member of the opposite sex (Golombok, Spencer, &</span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"> Rutter, 1983; Green, Mandel, Hotvedt, Gray, & Smith, 1986).</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">In terms of gender-role behaviors <span style="font-style: italic;">(Babae ako, gusto ko na ng Barbie o Cars?)</span>, there was no difference between children of same sex parents versus opposite sex parents in toy preferences, activities, interests, or occupational choices (Brewaeys et al., 1997).</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">In terms of sexual orientation <span style="font-style: italic;">(Bading ang tatay ko, maging bading din kaya ako?)</span>, studies show that a great majority of offspring of both lesbian mothers and gay fathers described themselves as heterosexual. Ninety percent (90%) of adult sons of gay fathers reported to be heterosexual (Bailey et al, 1995). In another study, no children of lesbian mothers identified themselves as lesbian or gay, but one child of a heterosexual mother did (Huggins,1989).</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >Sa madaling salita, ang pagka-bading ay di nakakahawa! </span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But the COMELEC is not only talking about sexual identity but also other aspects of personal development.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Again studies on same sex parenting and their children have shown that there are no major differences in self-concept, personality, moral judgments, intelligence and social relationships (Golombok, Tasker, & Murray, 1997; Gottman, 1990; Reese, 1979; Green et al., 1986; Patterson, 1994a; Tasker, 1999; Stacey & Biblarz, 2001; Perrin, 2002).</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I have been teaching psychology for a total of eight years to college students in top universities of Manila and Cebu. I have been doing counseling to heterosexual children and adults for two years now.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I have received letters, notes, and praises from my students and clients telling me how they have learned so much from me. They thanked me of the positive impact I had on their self concept & esteem, personality, and their well-being. My sexuality was never an issue to them and their development. Some of them even admired my openness and genuineness.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:trebuchet ms;" >If I am a threat to the youth, I must have turned more than 3,000 students gay and dysfunctional!</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I, as a teacher, understand the vital role of the youth in nation building and the responsibility to promote and protect their physical, moral, spiritual, intellectual, and social well-being.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">But let me ask this question back to you, Nicodemo Ferrer, Lucineto Tagle, and Elias Yusoph: what message are you telling the youth now about equality, diversity, and love?</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">------------</span>
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Unlike the COMELEC who used only two websites as references, I use scientific journals and books. Who do you think is more reliable and valid?
<br /></span></span><blockquote><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">American Psychiatric Association. (1980). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (3rd ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">American Psychological Association. (2004). Policy statements on sexual orientation, parents, and children.. Retrieved November 23, 2009, from http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/policy/parents.html
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">American Psychological Association. (2008). Answers to your questions: For a better understanding of sexual orientation and homosexuality. Retrieved November 23, 2009 from http://www.apa.org/topics/sorientation.pdf.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Bailey, J. M., Bobrow, D.,Wolfe, M., & Mikach, S. (1995). Sexual orientation of adult sons of gay fathers. Developmental Psychology, 31, 124–129.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Brewaeys, A., & Van Hall, E. V. (1997). Lesbian motherhood: The impact on child development and family functioning. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynecology, 18, 1–16.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Green, R., Mandel, J. B., Hotvedt, M. E., Gray, J., & Smith, L. (1986). Lesbian mothers and their children: A comparison with solo parent heterosexual mothers and their children. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 7, 175–181.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Golombok, S., Tasker, F. L., & Murray, C. (1997). Children raised in fatherless families from infancy: Family relationships and the socioemotional development of children of lesbian and single heterosexual mothers. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 38, 783–791.</span>
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<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Gottman, J. S. (1990). Children of gay and lesbian parents. In F. W. Bozett & M. B. Sussman (Eds.), Homosexuality and family relations (pp. 177–196). New York: Harrington Park Press.</span>
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Huggins, S. L. (1989). A comparative study of self esteem of adolescent children of divorced lesbian mothers and divorced heterosexual mothers. In F.W. Bozett (Ed.), Homosexuality and the family (pp. 123–135). New York: Harrington Park Press.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Mays, V. M., & Cochran, S. D. (2001). Mental health correlates of perceived discrimination among lesbian, gay, and bisexual adults in the United States. American Journal of Public Health, 91, 1869-1876.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129, 674-697.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Patterson, C.J. (2004a). Lesbian and gay parents and their children: Summary of research findings. In Lesbian and gay parenting: A resource for psychologists. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Perrin, E. C., and the Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health (2002). Technical Report: Coparent or second-parent adoption by same-sex parents. Pediatrics, 109, 341 - 344.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Reese, R. L. (1979). A comparison of children of lesbian and single heterosexual mothers on three measures of socialization. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, California School of Professional Psychology, Berkeley, CA.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Stacey, J. & Biblarz, T.J. (2001). (How) Does sexual orientation of parents matter? American Sociological Review, 65, 159-183.
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<br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Tasker, F. (1999). Children in lesbian-led families - A review. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 4, 153 - 166.</span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"></span></blockquote></span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134951188562593571.post-10461441362357497582009-09-28T20:10:00.001+08:002009-12-08T03:48:55.533+08:00i will be a diva, i will be a queen.<span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;font-size:100%;" >My best friend said that if one is confused of his or her career vocation, one only needs to remember the games he or she played during childhood. For example, when she was a child, she remembers playing hotel and resort manager with her sister. Now, she still hopes to become one… at least for a day.<br /><br />For me, this is very easy. Growing up, I pretended to be a teacher. At home, in Cebu, we have this big blackboard in our hallway and every night after school, I would be a teacher to ten imaginary students. The routine: I would have a notebook in hand and a wooden ruler. (In retrospect, teachers in our class bring wooden rulers or long sticks!) Then, from one side of the house towards the hallway, I would slowly walk and demurely move my head, side to side, imagining saying hello to grade 5 or grade 6 students (or when I was older to high school students). And before I enter the hallway, I would sign my initials to a posted paper on a wall as I pretend to check the attendance for the day. For a few seconds, I would wait. And, in my mind, my students scrambled to stand up. I imagined a student hurriedly hiding his book under the table and quickly fixing his polo as he moves. And another student, looking surprise that I am already in the doorway, discreetly hides among his classmates as he hastily moves from one side of the room to the opposite side where he is supposed to be standing right beside his seat!<br /><br />I do not remember if I start the class with a prayer, but most probably I did. What I distinctly remember is how my students greet me. I would say out aloud (not minding if my brothers, yaya, or even my parents would hear), “Good morning class.” And in my mind, my students would answer, “Good morning (with the intonation), Miss Teban… (again with the intonation).” =)<br /><br />My childhood play has translated into an adult career. To those people who know me (and read my blog), I have been teaching Psychology for seven years now. And I know, without any doubt, this is where I belong, this is what I want to do. (Of course, my college students never greet me with the intonation and definitely they never dared to call me Miss Teban.)<br /><br />But, also growing up, there was another pretend play that I did. This was not as public as my previous play. It never happened in the hallway with my parents, brothers, or yayas to see. It happened in closed and locked room. From my drawer, I would get my green triangular bandana and just like a nun’s veil, I would place it over my head as I tie another handkerchief to serve as a headband. It might not be natural hair for you, but all I can remember is that I feel pretty with my shoulder length green hair. Then, undressing to my underwear, I would get my favorite yellow butterfly blanket and would tightly wrap it around my slim body and make a beautiful knot over my chest. I do not remember a name that I called myself. I was somehow comfortable with my name… Teban.<br /><br />The routine? I would walk from one corner of the room to the other corner like a Ms. Universe candidate. I would stop just in front of the mirror and wave to my imaginary audience. For my talent portion, I would dance the Sinulog- two steps forward, one step backward - with the sound of the drums beating inside my head.<br /><br />But the most memorable part was when I lip sync my favorite Broadway song. And I would sing, “Do you want one more tale of a Vietnam Girl… Want to know I was bound to the man that I don’t love… Want to be told how my village was burned…” Cliche, but yes, I have pretended to have won the crown.<br /><br />Two weekends ago, I watched a drag show. They lip sync to classics’ “Dreamgirls” and “And I am Telling You” They danced to Chicago’s “All that Jazz” and Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”. And I could just imagine the looked on my face that night. I was entertained, happy, and amazed - like a kid watching his first magic show! My right foot tapped, my fingers snapped and my head giggle and swayed. I think it could have been a beginning of what Billy Elliot describes as “Electricity”.<br /><br />Somewhere, deep in my heart, something triggered. I was moved, ignited but also envious. I suddenly miss my childhood. I knew that I can do what they can do too. I think I will be a natural. Of course, I would have to practice, train, lose weight and think about my repertoire. I am thinking of doing musicals – Wicked’s “Defying Gravity”, Chicago’s “Roxie” – and maybe add some Lady Gaga’s “Poker face” and Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary”. Oh gosh, endless possibilities! (And of course, watching GLEE is adding to this fantasy.)<br /><br />That night, I thought that maybe if being a psychologist will not work for me (I am getting tired of this part-time situation) then maybe I will have to consider exploring another career. Not ending what I have now, but more of an addition. I would like to be an entertainer, a diva, a drag queen.<br /><br />That same night, I also felt nostalgic and sad. I feel that (currently) a big gay part of me is missing or maybe suppressed. I miss my out, proud, funny, irreverent, and loud self. Morag, gimingaw lang gyud ko sa akong pagkabayot. Ana lang. Kasabot mo sa akong gipasabot? Kita na mo nako na nagbinayot? Dili kanang miyat na Teban na bayot, kanang Teban na bayot na bayot? Gimingaw ko ana na Teban. (Interestingly, there must be a Psychology behind how I can only express my gayness in Cebuano and not in English or in Filipino!)<br /><br />And that night, I wish I was transported back in 2004, when I was with my Edgework Theater Company (ETC) family -- with Butch, Sheng, Carmel, Mara, Azela, and my ex-boyfriend, B. I think they have seen that gay part of me. Better yet, I think they accept and love that gay part of me. I know they miss that part of me. I miss that part of me.<br /><br />My secret childhood play did translate into a career for a few days in 2004. There was no singing and dancing though, only acting. I portrayed Jaymee, a Japayuki transgender, in ETC’s Bus Terminal. My ETC family, some of my students, friends, and my Mom were there to see me. I had real long hair that I can bun with a chopstick. My cheeks were blushed, lips were glossed red, eyes were lined, and eyelashes were extended.<br /><br />I heard funny stories about me that night. A friend, who was in the audience, shared to me that she overheard one student saying, “He reminds me of my Psych teacher, Sir Teban.” My friend turns around and told her, “That is Teban.” I guessed they were shocked.<br /><br />After the show, I thought that it was over, a role-fantasy fulfilled. That was also the last time I played drag. It was the last time I played. But now, I sense a calling. I sense a need. I sense me, outing, freeing, then flying!<br /><br />My current life here is… very… “proper”. I do admit that I am scared - scared that M. might not accept that part of me, scared that the schools I worked for might not give me a teaching load for next semester, scared that people will laugh at me… scared of not being accepted.<br /><br />But for tonight, as a short term solution, I will lock my door, find a bandana in my drawer, I will play. With my makeshift gown, I will look at myself in the mirror, I will turn the music on and lip sync to Effie White’s “I Am Changing”.<br /><br />One day, I promise, after a long day of teaching and counseling work, I will be an entertainer, I will be a diva, I will be a queen.</span>Niel Stevehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16864131780882552756noreply@blogger.com3