Evolution and Liberation

This monologue was first performed last February 14, 2003 (Friday) at Gahum Philippines, 21 F Don Pedro Rodriguez St., Cebu City for the play Uwag og Gugma sa Bayot og Tomboy.

There were two phases of my gay life -- before 18 and after 18.

I know I was different ever since I had consciousness. Even before 18, I felt that I was a girl trapped in a man’s body.

Mahinhin ako. Pagirl ako. Miyat ako.

Maria Clara -- I used to idolized her when I was in high school.

Before, when someone asked me how many siblings I have, I would say, “ I have three brothers, " and with pride and a smile I continued by saying, "And I am the only girl in the family.”

They just laughed. I just laughed too. This line actually reached my parents when I was in grade 5, during a parent-teacher conference.

Of course, there were instances that I would lock myself in my room, get a blanket and wrap it around my body… and I would pretend that I am wearing a long beautiful gown. More of that story here.

I would say that those were my girly days.

I started having guy crushes when I was in grade 4! I dreamt about guys, I fantasized about guys, and, -- a bit embarrassed at that time -- I get sexually aroused with guys!

I thought, "Isn't this crazy? Girls don’t get aroused- or at least they don’t get a hardy!"

This hardy was clearly bothering me. And I started hating my willy for it keeps on popping up whenever I am with an attractive guy! And it feels so... unfeminine!

I hate it. I would feel... yuck!

I tried suppressing the feeling and kept it to myself. I would sit with my legs crossed and wear a tight underwear to hide my willy!

My classmates also treated me like their muse in the class. And I like it too. Some classmates would pass some love notes and some would steal a kiss. Some wanted more. So, I had sexual encounters when I was a teen and as I recall, I am always submissive -- the girl, the giver.

I wouldn’t undress. I was not comfortable with my body. Of course, I was slim but more conscious of my erected willy!

So I refused to be touched. I would only give pleasure.

Then it was over. The guy is spent. Done.

And I thought that was love. Love?

But, I thought love was supposed to make you happy. I wasn’t happy. I was sad, tired, dirty, and guilty.

Eighteen. Manila. Jesuit education. Looking for true love. MIRC. Chatting. Eyeball. Baaaam --- paradigm shift!

Ah…. Gay to gay relationship diay na!

Because of how I socialized with different gay men in Manila, I came to understand that the only person who will understand and love my gayness fully is also a gay person himself! If I fall in love with a straight guy, then the only sure thing that will happen to me is an empty pocket and a broken heart.

At least there is hope for me. Hope for real love. Isn't that exciting?

It took a while before I was out of the singles rat race. I shed some tears too. I was also burned. But I kept having hope on love and I wouldn’t allow myself to be jaded.

One day, I met this guy in an audition. He was quiet and mysterious. I thought he was a snob at first. But he has captivating eyes! And when he dances, ugh, uber sexy!

We became co-actors and we became friends. We talked a lot. After rehearsals, we talked while he walked me home.

I was beginning to like him, so I asked, “Are you into gay to gay relationship? Or have you been involved with someone of the same sex?”

He answered, “No.”

Ok fine. He is straight! Next. It was a FAIL moment for me.

But, we became officemates for a theater company.

We continued on talking until three in the morning. We washed dishes together. We shared our lowest and highest points of the day. We played five questions.

But in my mind, I constantly questioned, is he into the kind of relationship that I want? I was gay and he was straight.

Or so I thought.

One time in a training, we were having this activity called backstabbing -- we were to write on something beautiful or a compliment about that person on the paper placed on his back.

I wrote in his… “I like you, saying di pwede.”

I didn’t sign my name but eventually he found out that I was the one who wrote it.

Then he said aloud to me when we were washing dishes, “who knows maybe this time pwede na.”

Sheesh. I was so happy that I discreetly walked out of the room and shouted, “shyet, may pag-asa ako!”

A few days after, when we were talking and disclosing ourselves, he said that he would try this out.

"What?" I tried to hide my excitement.

I was shocked actually but I was so happy that I said yes.

I would say that it was unplanned. But, I will never forget that day. It was already early morning -- around 3:23 am. It was a Wednesday in March. Then, he was the reason why I get up in the morning for work.

Sex was different this time.

I was still submissive at first and there was role playing. I still felt that was a girl. I was still conscious of body and my willy. But one night he wanted me to feel how it would feels like. He asked me to trust him. So I let him be.

He touched, his caressed, he kissed. He made love to me.

It was different. I enjoyed it this time. I was able to feel pleasure.

Naka-ingon gyud ko og, lami man diay. Ing-ani diay ni ang bayot? Lami man diay ma bayot!

I wasn’t conscious anymore of willy. And I thought, I do not need to be a girl anymore to feel pleasure, to feel love. Ing-ani lang ko, happy na ko ani.

One night, I told him, “You made me affirm and appreciate my sexuality. And thank you for that, my olive juice.”

Twenty two months…

Marami na rin nagbago. Marami na rin pinagdaanan. Marami na rin nangyari.

We had our fair shares of rocks too -- lifestyle issues, ideology clashes, sexuality issues.

One night we were watching a gay art film. The protagonist in the film died of AIDS. Another character was there with him until he died. They had this relationship what we psychologist call- companionnate love, the presence of intimacy (sharing and bonding) and commitment (the cognitive choice to stay together) but no passion, no physiological arousal or that feeling to be in union with the other -- meaning no sex.

It triggered a question in me. I asked him, “What kind of relationship do you want?”

After a thought, he said that he preferred companionnate love.

At that point in our relationship, I was insecure of his love. It was fairly invisible. Plus, over twenty two months, I sensed a guilt from him when we make love. So, I was disappointed and hurt, not because I cannot give it to him. I could try. But I admit, I am very sexual as a person.

Then, it triggered other questions too.

If I were a girl, will you hold my hands in the mall?
If I were a girl, will you kiss me in public?
If I were a girl, will you marry me?

"YES," he answered. (Shyet, bilat na sad ang akong kontra!)

"Why?" I asked.

"...because society permits it." was his reply.

I was quiet and I cried.

I got hurt because even my own love discriminates me. I do not want my love to be hidden from the cruel and condemning world! Men and women flaunt ther love, why can’t gays flaunt theirs? Why can’t I shout to the world that I love him.

The only vocation that God wants me to follow is to love others. Magmahal ka.

I know that I have never loved anyone like this before. That is certain.

Magmahal ka. Babae man, o lalake. Tomboy o bakla. Basta kapag nagmahal ka, sapat na yun.

Basta ako, nagmamahal ako.

I hope to get married someday... or a commitment ceremony at least to a guy who will love my full gayness! I will invite my friends, my family, and to anyone who will be there and give social support for our loving relationship.

I dream that one day I will be able to hold hands with my partner in the mall. I wish that I will be able to kiss my lover in public. Ironically, I kiss my girlfriends goodbye in the cheek, but not my boyfriend.

Maybe… someday. Somewhere...

There’s a place for us.
Somewhere there’s a place for us
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us, somewhere

There’s a time for us.
Someday a time for us
Time together and time to spare
Time to learn and time to care

Someday, somewhere
We’ll find a new way of living
We’ll find a new way of forgiving
Somewhere

There’s a place for us
A time and a place for us
Hold my hand and we’re half way there
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there

Somehow

Someday

Somewhere

This is my story. This is my liberation. I am sharing it to you. Now, it's your turn.